Grandad Jokes, Batch #55

Richard Seltzer
2 min readMay 16, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

926

Due to pressure from offended hens,

the rooster changed his call to —

Coke-a-doodle-do.

927

She was very English.

Every afternoon at three

she had

tea

pot.

928

The dish is always more than half full.

Unfortunately, sometimes you are on the dish.

929

My heart is free.

My mind is costly.

930

The call of a cowboy kayaker —

“Yippee eye o kayak!”

931

Richard Hickory went to med school

so he could be Hickory Dickery Doc.

932

Remember —

tall squirrels

from tiny acorns grow.

933

If you go shopping when you are angry at your spouse,

that’s retailiation.

934

The cottage wouldn’t approach

the colonial mansion.

He was handsome, rich, and witty,

but he scared her.

He was roofless.

935

His speech impediment was disastrous.

He asked the leprechaun for a demon lover

and he got a demented one instead.

936

When you open the refrigerator,

pause a moment to pray for the poor vegetables,

especially the suffering succotash.

937

The tree told the flower to beleave

but it couldn’t.

938

According to Hamlet,

time smokes pot.

And you should do your best to keep him well supplied.

Beware, beware

when time is out of joint.

939

I’m better at cooking than at stopping crime.

I’m a supper hero.

940

When he retired he had no more deadlines,

finally he could focus on lifelines.

941

What did the dollar say to the pennies?

You make a lot of cents.

942

The glass was only half full

because it was drunk.

943

Out on the range,

the distance between outhouses was so great that the cowboys gave them names.

The best known was John Wayne.

944

The sand had no self-respect.

It was forever making a glass of himself.

945

Before settling down for a spell,

the nomad activated his spellchecker.

946

You should always check a website’s cookies and their popups as well.

Make sure they are sugar-free, low-calorie, and low-carb.

947

I can imagine New Hampshire becoming the capital of legal marijuana

with its license plate featuring The Great Stoned Face.

948

Never take your bones for granted.

Pay them a regular allowance.

Never let them go broke.

949

I wear winter quotes in the winter.

And no quotes at all in the summer.

That’s my quota.

950

I keep typing away,

hoping to hit the key to the universe.

It’s depressing.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com