Grandad Jokes, Batch #55
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
926
Due to pressure from offended hens,
the rooster changed his call to —
Coke-a-doodle-do.
927
She was very English.
Every afternoon at three
she had
tea
pot.
928
The dish is always more than half full.
Unfortunately, sometimes you are on the dish.
929
My heart is free.
My mind is costly.
930
The call of a cowboy kayaker —
“Yippee eye o kayak!”
931
Richard Hickory went to med school
so he could be Hickory Dickery Doc.
932
Remember —
tall squirrels
from tiny acorns grow.
933
If you go shopping when you are angry at your spouse,
that’s retailiation.
934
The cottage wouldn’t approach
the colonial mansion.
He was handsome, rich, and witty,
but he scared her.
He was roofless.
935
His speech impediment was disastrous.
He asked the leprechaun for a demon lover
and he got a demented one instead.
936
When you open the refrigerator,
pause a moment to pray for the poor vegetables,
especially the suffering succotash.
937
The tree told the flower to beleave
but it couldn’t.
938
According to Hamlet,
time smokes pot.
And you should do your best to keep him well supplied.
Beware, beware
when time is out of joint.
939
I’m better at cooking than at stopping crime.
I’m a supper hero.
940
When he retired he had no more deadlines,
finally he could focus on lifelines.
941
What did the dollar say to the pennies?
You make a lot of cents.
942
The glass was only half full
because it was drunk.
943
Out on the range,
the distance between outhouses was so great that the cowboys gave them names.
The best known was John Wayne.
944
The sand had no self-respect.
It was forever making a glass of himself.
945
Before settling down for a spell,
the nomad activated his spellchecker.
946
You should always check a website’s cookies and their popups as well.
Make sure they are sugar-free, low-calorie, and low-carb.
947
I can imagine New Hampshire becoming the capital of legal marijuana
with its license plate featuring The Great Stoned Face.
948
Never take your bones for granted.
Pay them a regular allowance.
Never let them go broke.
949
I wear winter quotes in the winter.
And no quotes at all in the summer.
That’s my quota.
950
I keep typing away,
hoping to hit the key to the universe.
It’s depressing.
