Grandad Jokes, Batch #56
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
951
For Thanksgiving, remember to be grateful for the current state of technology.
If the pandemic had struck 30 years ago, the effect would have been devastating.
No Internet and cellphones.
No virtual meetings, online shopping, email, work-at-home.
No Twitter.
952
Cake is important.
If Marie Antoinette had been a better baker
there would have been no French Revolution.
953
The dieters held a bonfire,
making a pile of all their favorite foods
and burning all those calories.
954
Title of Carlyle’s satiric novel about Buddhism —
Satori Resartus.
955
For fairness, in addition to a mask mandate
there should be a womandate.
956
It’s hard to sew doubt.
What can you use for thread?
957
Reminds me of the guy who lost his license,
couldn’t afford a chauffeur or an Uber,
so went to a golf shop and bought a driver.
958
For Thanksgiving,
be sure to put a mask on the turkey
and stay six feet away from it.
959
Autocorrect doesn’t work.
It has never fixed my car.
960
If you wait for late people to arrive,
your meeting may never start.
The dead have a notoriously bad attendance record.
961
The producer of the Oscars hired an astrologist
to determine who should go up the runway when.
She wanted to make sure the stars were properly aligned.
962
The editor of the tabloid hired an astrologist to give gossip columnists their assignments.
She wanted to make sure the stars were properly maligned.
963
He wanted his covid test done in a dark room
to protect his negativity.
964
Why did she turn her bagel upside down?
For roll reversal.
965
The Queen wanted her armed forces to be fleet of foot.
So she put her infantry in charge of her navy.
966
Leave the light on when you go to bed.
Light is good for low-calorie sleep without weighty thoughts.
967
If you ever write while canoeing on African rivers,
beware of the typopotamus.
968
If Franklin had won and the turkey became our national bird,
what would we eat on Thanksgiving?
Bald eagle?
969
He was very cautious.
He took the mummy with him everywhere
just in case.
970
Which of Santa’s reindeer hated colons and parentheses?
Dasher.
971
It’s important to get not just a good agent, but a great one.
I’m still hoping for 007
972
I hope the future comes in more colorful and cheery wrapping paper than the present.
973
This year, instead of spending Thanksgiving,
we should save it.
974
If you love coffee and your coffee loves you,
be careful,
use protection.
Joe doesn’t know beans about it.
You could wind up pregnant.
975
The Egyptian government held a lottery
with an ancient mummy as the prize.
It was a dead giveaway.
