Grandad Jokes, Batch #57

Richard Seltzer
2 min readMay 18, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

976

Candy is very important in the Navy

as we all know from

The Candy Cane Mutiny.

977

If Virginia Woolf were alive today,

she would write

A Zoom of Her Own.

978

The Goddess of Dawn was appointed to the Supreme Court

because of her reputation for dew process.

979

Why did Santa buy a major music publication company?

He needed wrap stars.

980

The outdoor production of The Tempest

featured ariel coverage.

981

He ordered a music mix

because he enjoyed mixed doubles in tennis.

He expected he would get a young woman

to sing duets with him.

But all he got was a CD,

just music,

not even photos or videos.

982

The drunk pleaded the fifth

and drank it.

983

The archaeologists brought in a gynecologist

to try to read the ancient

cotex.

984

When, at the rehearsal dinner,

the groom got into a fist fight with his best man,

the bride said, “May the best man win.”

So they cancelled the wedding.

985

He was impressed that she was a post doc.

He had never met a woman

who knows how to fix fence posts.

986

For dental hygiene at Christmas,

remember to use

santa floss.

987

If two women collaborate on a novel

because Ms. plus Ms.

equals

Mss.

988

The witch gave her just what she asked for.

She wanted a baby boy.

And that’s what she became.

989

The young girl changed her clothes

immediately after the sermon.

Like the preacher said,

she wanted to repant.

990

Aliens come to Earth to help us.

They have a cure for hemophilia.

That’s why they greet humans with

“Take me to your bleeder.”

991

The Queen wanted her armed forces to be fleet of foot.

So she put her infantry in charge of her navy.

992

She had a long-standing feud with her children

until she applied son-block.

993

Old MacDonald was an inventor and advocate for clean air.

He invented the Cattle-lick-it Converter.

994

She became a lawyer

so that even if her kids didn’t marry

she would still be a mother-in-law.

995

Instead of using a splint

the quack doctor

wrapped the broken arm in duck tape.

996

Life is a battle

unless you’re an alcoholilc.

Then life is a bottle.

997

Imagine a movie about a policeman

who is also an Olympic runner.

The Cop Runneth Over.

998

“Let’s be remarkable together,”

said the Sharpie to his girlfriend.

999

The Joni Mitchell/Judy Collins Special at McDonald’s -

Salad and French Fries,

Both Sides Now.

1000

Remember, there is no wrestling for the weary.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com