Grandad Jokes, Batch #57
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
976
Candy is very important in the Navy
as we all know from
The Candy Cane Mutiny.
977
If Virginia Woolf were alive today,
she would write
A Zoom of Her Own.
978
The Goddess of Dawn was appointed to the Supreme Court
because of her reputation for dew process.
979
Why did Santa buy a major music publication company?
He needed wrap stars.
980
The outdoor production of The Tempest
featured ariel coverage.
981
He ordered a music mix
because he enjoyed mixed doubles in tennis.
He expected he would get a young woman
to sing duets with him.
But all he got was a CD,
just music,
not even photos or videos.
982
The drunk pleaded the fifth
and drank it.
983
The archaeologists brought in a gynecologist
to try to read the ancient
cotex.
984
When, at the rehearsal dinner,
the groom got into a fist fight with his best man,
the bride said, “May the best man win.”
So they cancelled the wedding.
985
He was impressed that she was a post doc.
He had never met a woman
who knows how to fix fence posts.
986
For dental hygiene at Christmas,
remember to use
santa floss.
987
If two women collaborate on a novel
because Ms. plus Ms.
equals
Mss.
988
The witch gave her just what she asked for.
She wanted a baby boy.
And that’s what she became.
989
The young girl changed her clothes
immediately after the sermon.
Like the preacher said,
she wanted to repant.
990
Aliens come to Earth to help us.
They have a cure for hemophilia.
That’s why they greet humans with
“Take me to your bleeder.”
991
The Queen wanted her armed forces to be fleet of foot.
So she put her infantry in charge of her navy.
992
She had a long-standing feud with her children
until she applied son-block.
993
Old MacDonald was an inventor and advocate for clean air.
He invented the Cattle-lick-it Converter.
994
She became a lawyer
so that even if her kids didn’t marry
she would still be a mother-in-law.
995
Instead of using a splint
the quack doctor
wrapped the broken arm in duck tape.
996
Life is a battle
unless you’re an alcoholilc.
Then life is a bottle.
997
Imagine a movie about a policeman
who is also an Olympic runner.
The Cop Runneth Over.
998
“Let’s be remarkable together,”
said the Sharpie to his girlfriend.
999
The Joni Mitchell/Judy Collins Special at McDonald’s -
Salad and French Fries,
Both Sides Now.
1000
Remember, there is no wrestling for the weary.
