Grandad Jokes, Batch #58
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
1001
What do you call a strong durable joke?
A hardy har-har.
1002
They wanted a traditional holiday family gathering.
But they also wanted to stay social distanced.
So they only invited distant relatives.
1003
He was a short story writer,
just five feet tall.
1004
The authorities decided that the best way
to wean the natives from cannibalism
was to give them cannabis.
1005
Product idea —
pot in a can.
Call it Can of Bliss.
1006
The advice the cow gave to her calf —
Just be kine.
1007
Mr. Rogers never died.
He became a horse
and he and Mr. Ed hang out together
in the neighborhood.
1008
Has anyone ever told the story of how Satan
was reborn as Santa?
1009
I like whipped dream on my ice cream.
1010
remember that all blessings should be counted as powers of 2 (or more if you are in an optimistic mood :-) 2, 4, 8, 16 …
1011
Which font do you use in your manuscripts?
The font of all knowledge.
1012
When the deaf couple got hearing aids,
they celebrated New Ears Day,
to resounding applause.
1013
What do fish sound like when they sing?
The bass sing solow.
1014
The shy self-conscious book
finally made it into a great library
but still couldn’t believe in her shelf.
1015
The Bengal tiger had two wives.
The reticent one was a tigress.
The talkative one was a digress.
1016
In Germany there’s a special branch of the military trained to fight in lifts or elevators —
The Liftwaffe.
1017
Proust was proud of his formal education.
That’s why he named his masterwork
Remembrance of Courses Passed.
1018
The day after Christmas is Christmas Adam.
1019
Someone asked Santa why he delivered
presents on Christmas Eve.
He replied, “Just beclause.”
1020
Microsoft’s search engine is not computer-based.
The answers are all generated by a human bing.
1021
The destination of the wagon train was the town before Vail, Colorado.
Their slogan —
We shall pre-Vail.
1022
She used too much mouth wash
and so was plagued with nightmares
teeming with gargoyles.
1023
Those who are polite say, “Yes, ma’am.”
Trump says, “Yes, mayhem.”
1024
When faced with the choice of which path to go down
deciding the direction of your life,
who should you consult?
A pathologist.
1025
It’s a compliment to say someone is “gifted.”
But it’s an insult to be “regifted.”
