Grandad Jokes, Batch #6
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
151
And on the eighth day,
God looked at the Colorado River and said,
“Be dammed!”
152
When the world gets out of whack,
it needs evening.
153
There are many different kinds of intelligence,
and different parts of your body have different levels of intuition and instinct,
and sometimes act with little or no involvement of your brain.
What are your erogenius zones?
154
They both were sticklers about religious observance.
The priest was selfish every Friday.
And the rabbi refused to eat hamburgers.
155
Yes thyself, said Socrates.
156
Often it feels like I don’t create these jokes at all.
Rather the potential for them is embedded in the language.
I just uncover them,
then do some edits.
157
Socrates was a follower of Dawkins.
He believed in the golden meme.
158
Instead of dinner,
the time traveller had repast.
And instead of pastimes,
she had past times.
Ancient Rome was her favorite.
159
My computer crashed a week ago.
Still waiting for delivery of new one.
Today? I
t’s like waiting for a brain transplant,
and wondering who I’ll be afterward.
160
Churchill was vindictive,
and rightly so —
he had an axis to grind.
161
There were two ladies
who inspired philosophers. playwrights, and politicians
in ancient Athens.
Everybody knows Aspasia,
but Aphasia has been forgotten.
162
These are tough times.
I feel sorry for priests
performing online,
serving
mass masochism.
163
We are reborn every day at 12 o’clock.
That’s why it’s called new-n.
164
Mass-turbation is how a priest celebates mass.
165
May Day. The day I may do what I wish.
But when is the day that I can?
166
“You are what you read,” he said.
We build the patterns of association that are
how we perceive and think, who we are.
So he didn’t just read books —
he assimilated them,
making himself the person he wanted to be.
167
What do you call a speech delivered outside a synagogue?
Ex-temple-raneous
168
Of all the great philosophers,
who was the best comedian?
David Hume.
He was the most humorous,
and he wrote A Tickle of Human Nature.
169
I’d rather save time
than spend it.
But no matter where I put it,
when I look for it again,
it’s gone.
170
Today is when you
open the door to tomorrow.
171
Oscar Wilde said,
“We are all in the gutter
but some of us are looking at the stars.”
But what look like stars are often
galaxies and galaxy clusters,
billions of light years away.
Maybe it would be good
to appreciate the beauty in the gutter.
172
The art of lying with statistics
was pioneered by Edison.
He invented the phony-graph.
173
God walked up to Adam when he was barbequing
and asked,
“Son, can you spare a rib?”
Adam answered, “Sure.”
And then there was woman …
174
Remember that evil is live spelled backwards,
dog is god spelled backwards.
That’s the antimatter of language.
We are both energy and matter.
We all matter.
175
If you feel small,
reach for something big,
and touch that.
