Grandad Jokes, Batch #6

Richard Seltzer
3 min readOct 2, 2021
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes

151

And on the eighth day,

God looked at the Colorado River and said,

“Be dammed!”

152

When the world gets out of whack,

it needs evening.

153

There are many different kinds of intelligence,

and different parts of your body have different levels of intuition and instinct,

and sometimes act with little or no involvement of your brain.

What are your erogenius zones?

154

They both were sticklers about religious observance.

The priest was selfish every Friday.

And the rabbi refused to eat hamburgers.

155

Yes thyself, said Socrates.

156

Often it feels like I don’t create these jokes at all.

Rather the potential for them is embedded in the language.

I just uncover them,

then do some edits.

157

Socrates was a follower of Dawkins.

He believed in the golden meme.

158

Instead of dinner,

the time traveller had repast.

And instead of pastimes,

she had past times.

Ancient Rome was her favorite.

159

My computer crashed a week ago.

Still waiting for delivery of new one.

Today? I

t’s like waiting for a brain transplant,

and wondering who I’ll be afterward.

160

Churchill was vindictive,

and rightly so —

he had an axis to grind.

161

There were two ladies

who inspired philosophers. playwrights, and politicians

in ancient Athens.

Everybody knows Aspasia,

but Aphasia has been forgotten.

162

These are tough times.

I feel sorry for priests

performing online,

serving

mass masochism.

163

We are reborn every day at 12 o’clock.

That’s why it’s called new-n.

164

Mass-turbation is how a priest celebates mass.

165

May Day. The day I may do what I wish.

But when is the day that I can?

166

“You are what you read,” he said.

We build the patterns of association that are

how we perceive and think, who we are.

So he didn’t just read books —

he assimilated them,

making himself the person he wanted to be.

167

What do you call a speech delivered outside a synagogue?

Ex-temple-raneous

168

Of all the great philosophers,

who was the best comedian?

David Hume.

He was the most humorous,

and he wrote A Tickle of Human Nature.

169

I’d rather save time

than spend it.

But no matter where I put it,

when I look for it again,

it’s gone.

170

Today is when you

open the door to tomorrow.

171

Oscar Wilde said,

“We are all in the gutter

but some of us are looking at the stars.”

But what look like stars are often

galaxies and galaxy clusters,

billions of light years away.

Maybe it would be good

to appreciate the beauty in the gutter.

172

The art of lying with statistics

was pioneered by Edison.

He invented the phony-graph.

173

God walked up to Adam when he was barbequing

and asked,

“Son, can you spare a rib?”

Adam answered, “Sure.”

And then there was woman …

174

Remember that evil is live spelled backwards,

dog is god spelled backwards.

That’s the antimatter of language.

We are both energy and matter.

We all matter.

175

If you feel small,

reach for something big,

and touch that.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com