Grandad Jokes, Batch #66

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 1, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

1201

The dental hygienist did a floss-some job.

1202

Suggested title of book of criticism of literary criticism —

Literature Remilked or Second-dairy literature.

1203

She was a zoom addict.

So soon as she finished one,

she rezoomed.

1204

The petty criminal regretted not having gone to perp school.

“I could have been an offender.”

1205

Guinevere had heard the rumors.

She was looking forward to the invasion

of the Anglo Sexons.

1206

He asked for her help.

He wanted a career in the church.

and hoped to become a sexton.

So he was seeking biblical knowledge.

1207

What did the pedantic owl say?

Whom! Whom! Whom!

1208

They wanted to compete with Sleepy Hollow

for Halloween tourism,

so they advertised online

looking for headless horses.

1209

When something wears out

to the point that you have to trash it,

that’s use-anasia.

1210

His PC was driving him crazy.

So he waited until the end of the day

and prayed to the setting sun.

1211

What do you call a photograph from Vilnius

A lith-ograph.

1212

What bird has a perpetual cold?

The phlegm-ingo.

1213

Times have changed —

Peter Piper’s daughter

packs a peck of pepper spray.

1214

Which enemy of the Smurfs became a dental hygienist?

Gargle-mel

1215

In the winter, when a mathematician feels cold,

he throws another logarithm on the fire.

1216

She took piano lessons and practiced 5 hours a day,

in hopes that one day she could play

on the Florida Keys.

1217

His stomach was taut,

but otherwise he was ineducable.

1218

The author always made advance reservations.

He enjoyed booking everything.

1219

Elizabeth was upset when she first saw tinned sardine.

She could imagine what it would be like

to be a tin lizzie.

1220

She was filthy rich.

Her hair was all banks.

1221

He was a nervous wreck, and obsessive collector of everything,

until he finally learned to collect himself.

1222

She sprinkled tobacco ashes on her salad.

She liked the taste of ci-gar-lick.

1223

Queen Elizabeth is planning to be crowned a second time.

She believes in reincoronation.

1224

High school classmates who had all flunked math

got together every year in Alaska

and held a sled dog race.

They called it the I-Didn’t-Add.

1225

When she laughed and laughed loudly

before he said the punchline,

he suspected that she might not appreciate his jokes.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com