Grandad Jokes, Batch #70

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 9, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

1301

She filed her nails every day.

Otherwise she could never find them.

1302

As a child,

she wore a bib not just at meals,

but all the time.

When she grew up,

she always had a book in hand.

She was a total

bibliophile.

1303

He paid the bribe in seafood.

It was squid pro quo.

1304

Richard III frequented racetracks

because he had

a hunch.

1305

When the eighty-year-old

got her hip replaced,

she insisted on an Elvis Pelvis.

1306

When the queen bee wanted to

exert full control over her hatchlings,

the drones all sang,

“Let them bee.”

1307

The only way to get rid of a punster

is to expunge him.

1308

I have a degree in massage —

a backalauriat.

1309

He was fascinated by stars as a child.

So, of course he became an actor.

1310

Beware of mother-in-flaws.

1311

The journalist refused to get cosmetic surgery.

That would be too much like work.

She didn’t want her features to be edited.

1312

He decided to wing it.

But he missed the target.

1313

Polyphemus the Cyclops asked, “What’s your name?”

Odysseus answered, “Nemo.”

“Hallelujah! I found Nemo!”

1314

Jane Austen was a communist.

That’s why she wrote “Emma,”

a veiled tribute to Emma Goldman.

1315

The sentence didn’t want anyone to read her.

She didn’t want to be demeaned.

1316

It’s fitting that the symbol of America is a cancer survivor —

the bald eagle.

1317

Where does the werewolf live?

In a werehouse.

How does he dress?

In underwere.

1318

What should you tell your friends

when you see a werewolf?

Bewere.

1319

The pirate paid for their services

with pisses of eight.

1320

When he retired

the sailor got a sublet.

He had never imagined he could rent a

submarine for so little.

1321

The alchemist who figured out how to turn lead to gold

knew that there was a limited supply of lead.

So he make sure that business could thrive long into the future

by inventing a process for turning gold into lead.

1322

The remarried widower signed in as

“Miss Her and Mrs.”

1323

What is a good name for a subspecies of daisy?

Oopsy

1324

She refused to go for a walk in the garden.

She was afraid of the stroll under the bridge.

1325

The bathroom on the airliner needed a rest

so he kept himself occupied.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com