Grandad Jokes, Batch #70
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
1301
She filed her nails every day.
Otherwise she could never find them.
1302
As a child,
she wore a bib not just at meals,
but all the time.
When she grew up,
she always had a book in hand.
She was a total
bibliophile.
1303
He paid the bribe in seafood.
It was squid pro quo.
1304
Richard III frequented racetracks
because he had
a hunch.
1305
When the eighty-year-old
got her hip replaced,
she insisted on an Elvis Pelvis.
1306
When the queen bee wanted to
exert full control over her hatchlings,
the drones all sang,
“Let them bee.”
1307
The only way to get rid of a punster
is to expunge him.
1308
I have a degree in massage —
a backalauriat.
1309
He was fascinated by stars as a child.
So, of course he became an actor.
1310
Beware of mother-in-flaws.
1311
The journalist refused to get cosmetic surgery.
That would be too much like work.
She didn’t want her features to be edited.
1312
He decided to wing it.
But he missed the target.
1313
Polyphemus the Cyclops asked, “What’s your name?”
Odysseus answered, “Nemo.”
“Hallelujah! I found Nemo!”
1314
Jane Austen was a communist.
That’s why she wrote “Emma,”
a veiled tribute to Emma Goldman.
1315
The sentence didn’t want anyone to read her.
She didn’t want to be demeaned.
1316
It’s fitting that the symbol of America is a cancer survivor —
the bald eagle.
1317
Where does the werewolf live?
In a werehouse.
How does he dress?
In underwere.
1318
What should you tell your friends
when you see a werewolf?
Bewere.
1319
The pirate paid for their services
with pisses of eight.
1320
When he retired
the sailor got a sublet.
He had never imagined he could rent a
submarine for so little.
1321
The alchemist who figured out how to turn lead to gold
knew that there was a limited supply of lead.
So he make sure that business could thrive long into the future
by inventing a process for turning gold into lead.
1322
The remarried widower signed in as
“Miss Her and Mrs.”
1323
What is a good name for a subspecies of daisy?
Oopsy
1324
She refused to go for a walk in the garden.
She was afraid of the stroll under the bridge.
1325
The bathroom on the airliner needed a rest
so he kept himself occupied.
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