Grandad Jokes, Batch #72

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 11, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1351

The Universe used vast quantities of beauty products.

She depended on cosmics.

1352

Laundry detergent for optimists.

Wishy Washy.

1353

FaceBook cheer:

Two, Four, Six, Eight.

What shall we disseminate?

1354

What do warlocks say when they swear?

“Son of a witch!”

1355

The icy sidewalk was so sleepery,

that she fell asleep.

1356

She went sleepwalking in her sleepers.

1357

He entered the ProseAm Tournament.

He was great at prose

but his golf game was shaky.

1358

Homer was in the retell bard business.

1359

Be saved!

Deposit yourself in a savings account.

1360

I don’t write about my real experiences.

It’s too difficult to make the trips to distant galaxies sound plausible.

1361

As she got older she got heart of hearing.

1362

In order to reverse the trend

of women realizing that they don’t need men,

he designed new bottle tops and jar tops

that were annoyingly difficult to open.

1363

He refused to eat gluten-free food

because women like men with glutes.

1364

His favorite frozen snack

was Gluten Freeze.

1365

People who work on deadline

tend to be good housekeepers.

Cleaning and straightening

are great for procrastination.

1366

He was addicted to Twitter.

So he put two packs of

low calorie tweetener in every cup of coffee.

1367

He studied the canon of western literature

for decades

but he still didn’t know how to fire it.

1368

He must be brilliant.

His every word smarts.

(What a pain.)

1369

“You look fine,” said the traffic cop.

“That will be $50.”

1370

He called his reminder list

do drops.

1371

She was never on time for anything.

So she only wore latex.

He could relate to that.

1372

Self-dense is important.

You need to be able to protect yourself

from your self.

1373

“How can I have a light lunch

on a dark day?”

“Add lighter fluid.”

1374

He was awful

in the awfice.

But she was totally in awe of him.

1375

When he was ten he was hit in the knee with a rock.

Ever after, he suffered from kid knee stones.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com