Grandad Jokes, Batch #76

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 18, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1476

When Cinderella’s pumpkin

turned into a coach,

that was a life-changing moment.

She had always wanted and needed

a life coach.

1477

Makes me think that a global disaster is an

Earth Awake.

1478

For dance therapy

go to a dancesist.

1479

Their people were tread upon for generations.

It was their treadition.

1480

She took her three year old to the restaurant with her

because she liked whine with her dinner.

1481

He worked for A Few Hours.

But she was a terrible boss

so he quit.

1482

She loved housecleaning so much

that she hired someone

to mess up her house once a week.

1483

It hurt the pride of the bride

that the groom didn’t groom.

1484

Wolves celebrate Fangsgiving.

1485

The guillotine was a design masterpiece.

it was to die for.

1486

On Thanksgiving

the inventor served

turnkey dinner.

1487

Anxiety can be very limiting.

Mine prevents me from flying.

No matter how fast I flap my arms

I can’t get off the ground.

1488

Oxygen was awful at parties.

He always made a gas of himself.

1489

Plot summary for Moby Dick:

He was her first mate.

She hoped he’d be her only.

She told him, “Call me, Ishmael.”

But he didn’t.

She would never sea him again.

1490

When the company went bankrupt,

he hired a maid to fold it neatly.

1491

Definition of snoring —

sleeping soundly.

1492

When offered “Coffee or tea?”

Heisenberg answered, “Tea, please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course not. Make that uncertain tea.”

1493

He was nervous about his upcoming finals.

He had hoped to live longer.

1494

Fear of farms

is agriphobia.

1495

Too much responsibility,

like the whole world depended on her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaimed.

He answered, “You called?”

That’s when Eve decided to leave Eden.

1496

He preferred to live on islands

or at sea.

He never wanted to be incontinent.

1497

The author had a flood of great ideas in the middle of the night. He woke up his/ wife and shared them with her, ecstatic at the breakthrough. But in the morning, all was forgotten. His wife smiled, “Cheer up. We live in Russia. Everything is recorded.”

1498

She hated the Dictionary.

He was demeaning.

1499

She served him vegetables

when she wanted to convince him to do something.

“Pretty peas?”

1500

Back in the 70s

she felt she was getting old.

Now in the 20s

she feels young again.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com