Grandad Jokes, Batch #77
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
1501
The book was in an accident.
The binding broke,
and it never recovered.
1502
The bread felt useless,
just loafing around,
until he realized that he could make a difference,
he could become a hamburger helper.
1503
Time has gone the same place as missing socks.
It went looking for them.
1504
In the words of Admiral Farragut,
“Damn the torpedoes,
and darn the socks.”
1505
The dilapidated house
was a dangerous criminal.
He was completely roofless.
1506
The alcoholic was on the cups of a crisis.
1507
Side effect of staying well hydrated —
a six-day week.
Never thursday.
1508
Upside,
downside,
he couldn’t decide.
Maybe he should drink cider.
1509
The prize for the longest run-on sentence when to a menopausal woman.
She had an unfair advantage —
she never had a period.
1510
I think best when walking or running.
I need to jog my memory.
1511
When you aren’t really present,
I can’t here you.
1512
He so much regretted the terrible paint job
that his house haunted his dreams,
chanting,
“Repaint! Repaint!”
1513
He promised himself
he would write six pages a day.
And he did so, religiously.
Every day he wrote, “Six pages a day.”
But he made no progress on his novel.
1514
Her exotic flowering plant was dying,
so she took it to the orchidontist.
1515
He wanted to be known
for his groundbreaking films.
So he frequented construction sites
and shot groundbreaking ceremonies.
1516
When Sitting Bull retired,
he became a Sioux chef.
1517
I can imagine Heinrich Schliemann
claiming to have found the Pallas of Athena.
1518
What brand benefits from seismic activity?
Quaker Oats.
1519
He kept getting called for icing,
so he gave up his career as
a professional hockey player
and became a pastry chef.
1520
The Christmas sequel to the Iliad begins:
I sing the wreath of Achilles.
1521
The fork and the spoon didn’t belong together.
They should never have married.
They were out of sink.
1522
The elephant didn’t like
any of the novels the hippopotamus wrote.
He was hyper hippo critical.
1523
Procrastination index —
the ratio between
the number of times you think of doing something
and the number of times you do it.
1524
Santa was thinking of opening an office
in Antarctica.
But he didn’t want people to think
that he’s bipolar.
1525
Mozart slept soundly.
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