Grandad Jokes, Batch #78
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
1526
Gershwin wandered the streets of Paris
trying to capture the flavor of the city.
But only when he went to Long Island
did he find the Sound.
1527
Tonto could read the Lone Ranger’s mind.
He had side-kick powers.
1528
The ceramic couldn’t keep a job.
Time after time she was fired.
1529
He walked back and forth across the lawn
carrying a handheld fan.
His wife asked him to do
the lawn dry.
He had no idea why.
1530
The floor was depressed.
She liked the janitor,
but he polished her twice a day every day,
and she hated being rebuffed.
1531
Teddy Roosevelt was misquoted.
Wearing his Rough Rider suit,
he said,
“Speak softly,
but carry a big shtik.”
1532
The cheerleaders held their convention
in Pom Pom Springs
1533
She was ambivalent about getting married.
So she became a widwife.
1534
Disclaimer —
Before reading this joke,
confer with your doctor
and tell him or her
if you are dead
or are planning to die.
1535
She went for a body wax
and wound up on display at Madame Tussauds.
1536
Where do religious sea creatures live?
The cloysters.
People who are afraid of those have cloyster phobia.
1537
The expensive goldfish
believe in carp diem.
1538
The goldfish wrote a love poem
to his koi mistress.
1539
When he got a double promotion
he was finally statusfied.
1540
A black cappuccino at a collegiate coffee shop
is a cap and gown.
1541
What’s the favorite shape of witches?
the hexagon.
1542
How do ghosts navigate from galaxy to galaxy?
by dead reckoning.
1543
Imagine an aircraft carrier
and at the controls
there’s a steering committee.
1544
I just watched It’s a Wonderful Life again and realized what a blessing cellphones must be to those in Heaven. Every time a text is delivered an angel gets his/her wings.
1545
Wash on Monday,
iron on Tuesday,
mend on Wednesday,
churn on Thursday,
clean on Friday,
bake on Saturday,
watch football on Sunday.
1546
The Return of Odysseus —
He was twenty years older
and not a wit wiser;
so she returned him,
as unsuitorable.
1547
I’m a fast food cook.
My cooking is so bad
that anyone who tastes it
decides to fast.
1548
Mary had a little lamb,
and rice,
and salad.
1549
What is the friendliest rodent?
The groundhug.
1550
To weigh a small child
you should use a sliding scale.
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