Grandad Jokes, Batch #79
From the Never Grow Up section of Grandad Jokes.
1551
He put his life on the line
every day.
Zoom is scary.
1552
Homer’s literary agent
moonlighted
as a bard tender.
1553
The anchor bought
military grade shipping tape.
He wanted to make sure the news didn’t break.
1554
He would have sat in the back corner
where the wind didn’t blow.
But he didn’t want to be known as
a draft dodger.
1555
He was sickly until
he became wealthy.
Then he was well healed.
1556
Unfortunately, her teenage son was obedient.
Once she told him, “Never mind.”
And ever after that he never minded her.
1557
Instead of grandparents
he had grumpparents.
1558
She wanted to write a book from the perspective of a hundred-year-old woman.
So she decided to live that long as research.
1559
What do you call it when Lucy takes her clothes off?
a comic strip
What do you call it when Charlie Brown does?
a horror show
1560
Gift suggested for a would-be novelist —
a piggybank
for saving earnings.
1561
How did the taxidermist hold the mallard together?
with duck tape
1562
The Chinese couple was surprised
that their baby was lily white,
until they realized that wo Wongs make a white.
1563
Opposites attract.
She was a supper hero
and he was insupperable.
1564
Opening line of song by Satan —
The hells alive …
1565
The bucket wanted to be treated well.
1566
Everything I need to know
I learned from gramma school.
1567
What is the name of Amazon’s football team?
The Amazon Packers
1568
What is the purpose of cotton in a bill bottle?
You are expected to save it up,
then spin it into thread,
then weave the thread into a bikini,
which you should wear to a ball thrown by Prince Charming.
1569
When Tom Swift studied martial arts,
he learned swiftly and brucely.
1570
Heraclitus was wrong.
You can tune into the same stream
as many times as you want.
1571
What did Lady Macbeth say
after she wrote her autobiography?
“Out, out, damned book!”
1572
The pillow suffered from
acid refluff.
1573
Wishing you a febulous February.
1574
She had no taste,
so she had her kitchen remodeled
as a kitschen.
1575
How to lose 20 pounds in a day without really trying.
Go to a British casino.
