Grandad Jokes, Batch #8
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
201
The universe was created by accident.
Paradise was named for
the lucky pair of dice that got it all started
202
Editing your own novel
is like cutting your own hair.
Everything’s backward in the mirror of your mind.
It can be done,
but it takes practice and patience.
203
Sartre recently came back from the dead to tell me that he was wrong in No Exit.
Hell isn’t the others.
It’s ourselves.
Seeing ourselves, replaying our lives, over and over.
204
Someone on Twitter said,
“Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.”
I replied,
“No. that’s only about 5% of everything.
The rest is dark matter, dark energy, the souls of the dead, angels, and gods.”
205
The carpenter ant was ostracized
for associating with a weird cult,
until he converted
and joined an in-sect.
206
Imagine what it would be like to be
in a perpendicular universe
207
Optimism and optics
probably derive from the same root.
To be an optimist
is to see clearly
208
She announced to the congregation
that to combat sexism in religion
for every him
they would sing a herm,
and in keeping with their forward thinking
instead of pastoress
should be known as futuress.
209
What did Jesus say to his mother
when ice started falling from the sky?
“Hail, Mary.”
210
My elementary school teachers
were probably all Buddhist.
When taking roll,
they all wanted us to say,
“Present.”
211
There’s no rest for the worry.
212
I’m still trying to deal with
Post Traumatic Birth Syndrome,
and I was born 74 years ago.
213
I don’t have a dog,
so I take myself for a walk twice a day.
He’s been behaving pretty well,
but I need to keep him on a tight leash.
214
When the skeleton was resurrected,
he became a bone again Christian.
215
The living language spawned sentient sentences.
216
When he said he wanted to be born again,
his mother freaked out.
“There’s no way I’m going through that hell again.”
217
The graph was asymptotic,
but she still might be a carrier for the virus.
218
The physicist became a vegetarian
so he could remember Avacado’s Number.
219
If a book falls in the forest and nobody reads it,
does it exist?
220
The preacher droned in a monotone,
and his congregation showed up full force every time,
hoping to become bored again Christians.
221
Thanks to Newton,
the math department was fully integrated.
222
The doctor warned the hyperbola
that although she was asymptotic
she still might be a carrier of the virus.
223
When you dye, what color do you think you’ll become?
Do you think you’ll have a choice?
224
As I get older, I’m noticing a widening gap between what I intend to do and what I do. I think about what do next, then I watch to find out what I actually do. It seems I’m not entirely in control of the part of me that wills and acts. Watch the gap.
225
A novel without time travel is either short-sighted or unrealistic.
Aging is time travel, and reading is as well.
