Grandad Jokes, Batch #80
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
1576
On a scale of 1 to 10,
she was a 10.
And on a bathroom scale,
she was 150.
1577
They didn’t send their son to a magnet school
because they were afraid that if he got magnetized
he would lose his moral compass.
1578
Omar dreamed of becoming a merchant
and sailing to the Spice Islands
and becoming a thyme traveler.
1579
He wanted his books to be printed on paper,
better yet, to be engraved in stone.
Websites were too ephemeral.
He didn’t want to be seen as effeminate.
1580
The painter preferred gourmet foods
because of his refined palette.
1581
In seventh grade,
she hoped her first period class
would let her know what to expect.
Instead, it was English.
1582
Tom cats are afraid of
fix-it men.
1583
Eat donuts.
Hole food is healthy.
1584
She was a landlady
until she retired
and bought a yacht
and became a sealady.
1585
After the crisis,
they brought in a team of deer for the post-mortem.
They were good at hindsight.
1586
He was so addicted to coffee
that he became a cappuccino monk.
1587
It was a first glass bar,
the bar you went to for your first dink,
before moving on to the next.
1588
He was a true gentleman.
He only drank po-lite beer.
1589
Spiders love
corn on the cobweb.
1590
She was addicted to both coffee and exercise.
So she saved time
by doing pil-lattes.
1591
Theme song of the electric stove —
Ohm, ohm on the range…
1592
He returned to the Los Angeles Airport
whenever he needed to reLAX.
1593
His memory was getting worse with age.
Now he couldn’t even remember what he did tomorrow.
1594
No wonder the menu was exotic.
The chef was an immigrant from Guacomole.
1595
The Christmas present felt trapped,
all wrapped up.
He needed to break out
and think outside the box.
1596
He had his mattress stuffed with laurel leaves
so he could always rest on his laurels.
1597
He wanted to learn to play the piano by ear,
but his ears weren’t long enough.
1598
How to put Spring in your step —
think “Forward March.”
1599
She became a teacher
because she was a classy lady.
1600
If the pen is mightier than the sword,
is a missal stronger than a missle?
