Grandad Jokes, Batch #82
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
1626
Basic training for mess sergeants -
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eggs.
1627
“Honey, can you come down and let me in, please?”
“Didn’t you leave the door ajar, like I said?”
“Of course, I did. A big one.”
“A big one what?”
“A big jar. A peanut butter jar.
But the door wouldn’t let me in.”
1628
Earrings and socks
should be sold in threes
since always gets lost.
And a set of three of something
should be called a “thair.”
1629
He developed a technique for improving urination
He called it “thera pee.”
1630
The slogan of the baroque music group
was “Bach to the Future.”
1631
He wanted to grow whiskers.
So every day he drank whiskey.
1632
Her projeny
was her project.
1633
She wrote her poems by hand
on lily pads.
1634
In springtime she preferred her burgers with
daffodil pickles.
1635
He turned his life around
and from a whyno
became a whynot yes.
1636
She was the woman of his dreams —
it only took two explanations
for her to get his jokes.
1637
When he retired from horseracing,
he became a comedian.
It was easy going from jockey to jokey.
1638
He wanted to be published
so he would be officially authorized.
1639
The copy editor
ex-spelled
the dyslexic author.
1640
She was a vaccination expert,
a master of moderna art.
1641
She created it with a quilt pen.
But it was only sew-sew.
1642
The legendary narrative
was folkalized.
1643
It was his fault.
He could tell because she served him
a guilt cheese sandwich.
1644
When he realized that he had fallen in love with his dentist,
he exclaimed, “Embrace me!”
and he has worn braces ever since.
1645
The cannibal preferred Belgian teenagers.
He loved brussel sprouts.
1646
Backhanded compliment —
She was pretty average,
with the emphasis on pretty.
1647
She bought a dog
because she needed
a lab partner.
1648
Who gives the best foot massages in heaven?
The arch angels.
1649
The author studied myths and legends
in hopes that she could folkalize her narrative.
1650
He had winks,
but he couldn’t fly.
