Grandad Jokes, Batch #82

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 24, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1626

Basic training for mess sergeants -

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eggs.

1627

“Honey, can you come down and let me in, please?”

“Didn’t you leave the door ajar, like I said?”

“Of course, I did. A big one.”

“A big one what?”

“A big jar. A peanut butter jar.

But the door wouldn’t let me in.”

1628

Earrings and socks

should be sold in threes

since always gets lost.

And a set of three of something

should be called a “thair.”

1629

He developed a technique for improving urination

He called it “thera pee.”

1630

The slogan of the baroque music group

was “Bach to the Future.”

1631

He wanted to grow whiskers.

So every day he drank whiskey.

1632

Her projeny

was her project.

1633

She wrote her poems by hand

on lily pads.

1634

In springtime she preferred her burgers with

daffodil pickles.

1635

He turned his life around

and from a whyno

became a whynot yes.

1636

She was the woman of his dreams —

it only took two explanations

for her to get his jokes.

1637

When he retired from horseracing,

he became a comedian.

It was easy going from jockey to jokey.

1638

He wanted to be published

so he would be officially authorized.

1639

The copy editor

ex-spelled

the dyslexic author.

1640

She was a vaccination expert,

a master of moderna art.

1641

She created it with a quilt pen.

But it was only sew-sew.

1642

The legendary narrative

was folkalized.

1643

It was his fault.

He could tell because she served him

a guilt cheese sandwich.

1644

When he realized that he had fallen in love with his dentist,

he exclaimed, “Embrace me!”

and he has worn braces ever since.

1645

The cannibal preferred Belgian teenagers.

He loved brussel sprouts.

1646

Backhanded compliment —

She was pretty average,

with the emphasis on pretty.

1647

She bought a dog

because she needed

a lab partner.

1648

Who gives the best foot massages in heaven?

The arch angels.

1649

The author studied myths and legends

in hopes that she could folkalize her narrative.

1650

He had winks,

but he couldn’t fly.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com