Grandad Jokes, Batch #84

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 26, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1676

How do cakes avoid muscle pain?

They use icing.

1677

Who invented the I-lily-pad?

Kermit the Frog

1678

Given a chance to time-travel

she would choose to go ahead two years

so she could watch season three of Bridgerton.

1679

Every day,

she carefully groomed her eyebrows

with her web browser.

1680

The libertarian librarian enjoyed libations.

1681

Suggested name for Nepalese superhero —

Catman Do.

1682

Why do they call it “do-do”

and not “don’t-don’t.”

1683

A Ford Mustang wrote

the first true autobiography.

1684

The inquisitive child

was a pain in the ask.

1685

The elderly traveler asked the cruise director —

What continent are we on now?

Or are we incontinent?

1686

When she realized she was

obsessively buying earrings that she would never wear,

she solved the problem

by cutting off her ears.

1687

In his will, he donated his corpse to science.

It was a dead giveaway.

1688

The queen hen proclaimed,

“The buck-bucking stops here!”

1689

I want to be

a wallaby

in a wombat’s garden

in the shade

1690

They named their daughter Better

and encouraged her to socialize

so everyone would know better.

1691

Unless you don’t need to travel,

you aren’t ready to travel.

1692

Low-calorie toothpicks

are slim pickins.

1693

The ignorant man

used goo and glue

to build igloos.

1694

Definition of “sod dummy” -

a gardener who can’t grow grass.

1695

Invention suggestion:

memory erasure pill

instead of cyanide

for spies who are captured.

1696

The podiatrist became an editor

specializing in footnotes.

1697

He died of an overdose of coffee

so she called him her latte husband.

1698

The oldest man in Australia

is known as the Geezer of Oz.

1699

His jokes weren’t great

but they were sure to grate on her.

1700

The murder was clearly premeditated.

The perpetrator was a yogi

wo meditated every day.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com