Grandad Jokes, Batch #85
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
1701
She admired his writing,
but didn’t like his genres —
fiction and non-fiction.
1702
The elevator announced, “Second flaw,”
and he hesitated.
It was bad enough having the one he was born with.
1703
He despaired when she said, “Like wise.”
He knew damned well he wasn’t wise.
1704
“Free the whales!”
“Free the gluten!”
1705
Time travel.
Tomorrow I fly from Melbourne, Australia to LA.
Leave at 2:40 PM and after a 14 hour flight I arrive at noon on the same day.
Amendment to Star Trek slogan —
Time: the new frontier.
1706
t was a new clock
so he removed the second hand.
1707
Odysseus was both proud and jealous
when he learned that his wife
had 108 five-star reviews.
1708
Everyone in the pain clinic
got free tickets to the musical Company,
because misery loves company.
1709
The boxer studied
acupunchture.
1710
He enjoyed the music
that their customer service played while he was on hold,
so he called them every day.
1711
Cinderella’s pumpkin was kosher
so her fairy godmother could turn it into a kosh.
1712
How many chuckles
could a woodchuck chuckle
if a woodchuck could chuckle?
1713
Art used to be very important.
That’s why so many houses had drawing rooms.
1714
After retiring as a Jedia,
Luke became a surgeon
He was the inventor of the forceceps.
1715
He made an inadvertent mistake at airport check-in.
“How many bags, sir?”
“Just one. She’s beside me.”
1716
The swim team had no problem with racial prejudice.
Their membership was divers.
1717
She kept confusing beginnings and ends.
Her argument was teleoillogical.
1718
He found a restaurant he truly loved —
the grill of his dreams.
1719
She was a homerist
so she was very agreekable.
1720
Birthday wish for a movie producer —
“Happy trailers for you,
until we meet again…”
1721
For squashing a spider,
he was mistakenly convicted of insecticide.
1722
The cellphone charger
was revolting.
1723
The bucket wanted to be treated well.
1724
The ghost apologized to the crowd,
“Sorry I’m late.”
1725
Draft for a personalized rejection message: “This is not a polite mechanical response, intended not to hurt your feelings. Reading your crap was agonizing. I want this rejection to hurt you enough so you’ll never send us anything else.”
