Grandad Jokes, Batch #85

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 27, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1701

She admired his writing,

but didn’t like his genres —

fiction and non-fiction.

1702

The elevator announced, “Second flaw,”

and he hesitated.

It was bad enough having the one he was born with.

1703

He despaired when she said, “Like wise.”

He knew damned well he wasn’t wise.

1704

“Free the whales!”

“Free the gluten!”

1705

Time travel.

Tomorrow I fly from Melbourne, Australia to LA.

Leave at 2:40 PM and after a 14 hour flight I arrive at noon on the same day.

Amendment to Star Trek slogan —

Time: the new frontier.

1706

t was a new clock

so he removed the second hand.

1707

Odysseus was both proud and jealous

when he learned that his wife

had 108 five-star reviews.

1708

Everyone in the pain clinic

got free tickets to the musical Company,

because misery loves company.

1709

The boxer studied

acupunchture.

1710

He enjoyed the music

that their customer service played while he was on hold,

so he called them every day.

1711

Cinderella’s pumpkin was kosher

so her fairy godmother could turn it into a kosh.

1712

How many chuckles

could a woodchuck chuckle

if a woodchuck could chuckle?

1713

Art used to be very important.

That’s why so many houses had drawing rooms.

1714

After retiring as a Jedia,

Luke became a surgeon

He was the inventor of the forceceps.

1715

He made an inadvertent mistake at airport check-in.

“How many bags, sir?”

“Just one. She’s beside me.”

1716

The swim team had no problem with racial prejudice.

Their membership was divers.

1717

She kept confusing beginnings and ends.

Her argument was teleoillogical.

1718

He found a restaurant he truly loved —

the grill of his dreams.

1719

She was a homerist

so she was very agreekable.

1720

Birthday wish for a movie producer —

“Happy trailers for you,

until we meet again…”

1721

For squashing a spider,

he was mistakenly convicted of insecticide.

1722

The cellphone charger

was revolting.

1723

The bucket wanted to be treated well.

1724

The ghost apologized to the crowd,

“Sorry I’m late.”

1725

Draft for a personalized rejection message: “This is not a polite mechanical response, intended not to hurt your feelings. Reading your crap was agonizing. I want this rejection to hurt you enough so you’ll never send us anything else.”

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com