Grandad Jokes, Batch #86

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 28, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1726

The Personnel Department needed

the services of a headhunter,

and this one had decades of experience.

They hesitated

because he came from New Guinea.

1727

As you so,

so shall you what.

1728

Life was a bore.

She needed change.

So she went to her bank

and got quarters.

1729

The gold fragment,

representing the Star of Bethlehem

in the stained-glass window,

kept bragging, trying to impress her.

But she didn’t want anything to do with him.

He was just a pane in the glass.

1730

Advertising delivery software

included in an operating system

without the customer being able to opt out,

should be called

Windows Dressing.

1731

The tempting business proposition

gave him an earning sensation.

1732

The comedian stopped the would-be mugger

and put him in a joke-hold.

1733

During the playoffs,

he sat so long,

just watching the screen,

that he got a game leg.

1734

Fear of Santa Claus s known as claustrophobia.

1735

Why do whales jog?

To burn blubber.

1736

It was his first novel.

So he was delighted when he got

a letter from his draft board,

telling him he should start writing the second draft.

1737

Elon Musk’s demands for the Twitter sale —

“No ifs, ands, or bots.”

1738

Is a little bot a bottle?

1739

Revenge is sweet.

Diabetics beware.

1740

If and when you are stumped,

ask your main character

to write the synopsis for you.

1741

She wanted to be a rock star,

but her genie misunderstood

and she became a rockette.

1742

He wondered why he was hired so quickly,

despite his lack of experience.

And on his first day,

they gave him a set of business cards

and threw a party to welcome him.

Then he read the business card —

“Clarke Kent, building super.”

1743

A hundred years ago,

how did plains Indians place orders for peyote?

Smoke signals.

1744

His trousers were fearless.

They never frayed.

1745

He was need deep

in trouble.

1746

My favorite fruit song is

Hey, mango,

mango Italiano.

1747

This is the winter of our

disco tents.

1748

What do you call a sales pitch

for a Russian military pistol?

A glockenspiel.

1749

When preparing the final draft of her dissertation,

she hired a cobbler

to format the footnotes.

1750

He benefitted greatly from his story of cardiology

when he went to Vegas

and played black jack.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com