Grandad Jokes, Batch #87

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJun 29, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

1751

I don’t drive,

so I have no need for auto correct.

1752

Those who always drive in the fast lane

never eat.

1753

If you have to meet one person before you die,

who do you want that to be?

My great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter.

1754

When entertaining guests

always serve grapes,

lots of grapes.

Then everyone will be grapeful.

1755

Instead of a planetarium,

the author added

an observastory

to his house.

1756

He had trouble urinating,

so he went into therapee.

1757

The judge fined him

both for drunkenness

and reckless misuse of punctuation.

Matters of sin tax.

1758

Midas confessed to his therapist

that he had deep feelings of

gilt.

1759

He was so devoted

to running laps

to stay in shape

that he forgot to pay for his health insurance

and it

lapsed.

1760

Suggested title for a block buster movie

about poverty —

Star Ving

1761

He kept forgetting phone numbers

and email addresses,

until he went to the Dollar Store

and bought

contact paper.

1762

As she aged,

she grew a tail,

an old wives’ tail.

1763

Plumber’s ballad —

Oh Danny boy,

the pipes, the pipes

are bursting…

1764

The weather was very optimistic.

He had a high every day.

1765

The stripper capitalized

on her expert tease.

1766

He was a professional procrastinator.

He got around to things that needed to be done

about once in ten years.

So he became a ten-yeared professor.

1767

He had a double major

in dentistry and matn.

He specialized in the use of Novocaine

and became an expert in number theory.

1768

The proofreader fainted on the way to podiatrist.

She was commatoes.

1769

The veterinary proctologist

greeted his bovine patients

“How now brown bowel.”

1770

She was a bundle of contradictions.

She was a dedicated window shopper,

but she bought an Apple instead.

1771

What kind of soap do reptiles use?

Croco Dial

1772

Suggestion —

A credit card tailored to the wants and needs

of women.

MistressCard

1773

She didn’t understand her script-writer boyfriend.

He was too subtitle.

1774

The mental illness that leads to

overuse of similes

could be called “similosis.”

1775

She loved stories based on ancient myths.

So she called her creative writing class

Ways and Memes.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com