Grandad Jokes, Batch #87
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
1751
I don’t drive,
so I have no need for auto correct.
1752
Those who always drive in the fast lane
never eat.
1753
If you have to meet one person before you die,
who do you want that to be?
My great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter.
1754
When entertaining guests
always serve grapes,
lots of grapes.
Then everyone will be grapeful.
1755
Instead of a planetarium,
the author added
an observastory
to his house.
1756
He had trouble urinating,
so he went into therapee.
1757
The judge fined him
both for drunkenness
and reckless misuse of punctuation.
Matters of sin tax.
1758
Midas confessed to his therapist
that he had deep feelings of
gilt.
1759
He was so devoted
to running laps
to stay in shape
that he forgot to pay for his health insurance
and it
lapsed.
1760
Suggested title for a block buster movie
about poverty —
Star Ving
1761
He kept forgetting phone numbers
and email addresses,
until he went to the Dollar Store
and bought
contact paper.
1762
As she aged,
she grew a tail,
an old wives’ tail.
1763
Plumber’s ballad —
Oh Danny boy,
the pipes, the pipes
are bursting…
1764
The weather was very optimistic.
He had a high every day.
1765
The stripper capitalized
on her expert tease.
1766
He was a professional procrastinator.
He got around to things that needed to be done
about once in ten years.
So he became a ten-yeared professor.
1767
He had a double major
in dentistry and matn.
He specialized in the use of Novocaine
and became an expert in number theory.
1768
The proofreader fainted on the way to podiatrist.
She was commatoes.
1769
The veterinary proctologist
greeted his bovine patients
“How now brown bowel.”
1770
She was a bundle of contradictions.
She was a dedicated window shopper,
but she bought an Apple instead.
1771
What kind of soap do reptiles use?
Croco Dial
1772
Suggestion —
A credit card tailored to the wants and needs
of women.
MistressCard
1773
She didn’t understand her script-writer boyfriend.
He was too subtitle.
1774
The mental illness that leads to
overuse of similes
could be called “similosis.”
1775
She loved stories based on ancient myths.
So she called her creative writing class
Ways and Memes.
