Grandad Jokes, Batch 89
Excerpt from the unpublished book Grandad Jokes, So Bad They’re Good
1801
In his dream a genie told him,
“Catch fish.”
He bought a fishing rod but couldn’t catch a thing.
That night the genie told him,
“Get reel.”
1802
The bug was proud that a town was named for her —
Miss Tick, Connecticut.
1803
She was so upset to learn that her ex
was dead and buried,
she had his body exhumed
so she could properly curse him.
1804
Her computer was stuck.
She couldn’t shut it down.
Even unplugging didn’t work.
So she dressed in her worst outfit
and made her face hideous with cosmetics.
That turned it off.
1805
When the Orthodox rabbi retired,
he went into dentistry
and specialized in orthodonture.
1806
As they got older
and had muscle pains all over
they changed their names to
Cramp Pa and Cramp Ma.
1807
A tributary of the Po River
should be known as Po Lite.
1808
The dough-dough bird
became extinct
because of its obsession with money.
1809
The dramatist’s co-author
was his playmate.
1810
According to quantum physics,
watching changes reality.
That’s why I have to watch the NBA Championship.
The outcome depends on my consciousness.
1811
She was brilliant.
There was no one like her.
Her most memorable conversations
were with herself.
1812
When the scholar went overboard on footnotes.
with 5000 in a single chapter,
he was arrested for pedophilia.
1813
Among the Greek gods,
who talked non-stop?
Aeolus.
He was a wind bag.
1814
What do you call a midget who loves books?
A condensed reader.
1815
How did Egyptian women screen themselves for cancer?
Papyrus smears.
1816
The headhunter lived on a
skull-de-sac.
1817
Rewrite of a classic:
Warned for Odysseus’ trap,
the suitors left Ithaca
and went into business together,
setting up chain of tailor shops.
“Suits to die for”.
1818
What is Bob Dylan’s best fruit song?
“Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man…”
1819
No wonder he kept poking into her business.
He had a poke her face.
1820
James Joyce has been reincarnated
as a member of the Bloom Man Group.
1821
The sandstone was into soft rock.
He loved sedimental songs.
1822
Lot’s wife was a pillar of the community,
the salt of the earth.
1823
Jokes are essential
to human life.
They are fun-damental.
1824
Why doesn’t some professional team
name Cinderella’s pumpkin
head coach?
1825
What should you do
when the Body Snatchers
invite you to a pod luck dinner?
