Grandad Jokes, Batch #92
From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion of the book Grandad Jokes.
526
The nun had a dream of Christ.
It was a sleep of faith.
527
Rejoice.
The blend of the world is coming.
528
It’s easier to forget than to forgive.
529
Moses was a Nile-ist.
530
Martian scientists came to Earth
to study human egosystems.
531
No island is just an island,
and no man is just a man.
532
Take charge of your life.
Don’t be a ball
in someone else’s pinball machine.
533
If you have nothing nice to say,
do something nice instead.
534
The statute of liberty never expires.
535
This is the switchboard at the Golden Gates Hotel.
For reception press 1 …
For eternal life press 999,
Sorry. The hold on that line s longer than your remaining life.
Try calling back later.
536
At trial, the meth dealer claimed that his work
was part of his religion —
He was a methodist.
537
Church attendance soared
when a female priest
delivered the Sunday massage.
538
Text messaging was invented in England
around 200 AD
by the Sell Texts.\
539
It’s hard to hold my breath.
It keeps slipping through my fingers.
540
The Web extends not just our memory but also the range of our curiosity.
When we forget and search to fill the gaps, we discover much that that we had never imagined before.
And we no longer need to remember facts, just the paths to them
It’s a blessed time to be old.
541
Business idea —
God Walk:
a park where you take a symbol of whatever you believe in,
a place to meet people of like soul.
542
He coined hundreds of new words,
hoping to create a fifth state of matter —
solid, liquid, gas, plasma,
and neologisma.
543
Eve should have bought Microsoft instead of Apple.
544
Adam hesitated.
This rib of his could become a woman,
and they could have children,
and the children could have children,
and so on,
filling the Earth with people.
The rible effect was daunting.
545
Six days God labored.
And on the seventh,
he filed his taxes.
God doesn’t have to worry about death,
but no one (except billionaires)
can avoid taxes.
546
Alternate names for the seasons —
Sing
Some more
Fallacy
Inter
547
Classic of post-existentialist philosophy —
Being and Nothink.
548
Cleopatra used birth control
and lots of it.
She didn’t want to become a mummy.
549
The mythic catastrophic end
of the online universe
could be called
The Twitlight of the Ods.
550
Imagine the Creation was not a single event,
imagine each and every one of us is self-created,
self-published.
