Grandad Jokes, Batch #95

Richard Seltzer
3 min readJul 8, 2022
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From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion of the book Grandad Jokes.

551

What did the glass of water say to the sugar?

“Be part of the solution.”

552

If Darwin lived today

instead of the Descent of Man,

he would write the Decent of Man,

lamenting that we have devolved so far

that “common” decency is now rare.

553

If you can get on the merry-go-round,

you can change the whirled.

554

When Archimedes said,

“Give me a place to stand

and a lever long enough,

and I’ll move the world,”

God answered,

“Give me a hundred elements and

I’ll build a universe,”

and his wife said,

“Give me dark matter and dark energy.

and I’ll build infinite universes.”

555

Sales of the Tanach

led to

Old Testament profits.

556

The monks played

being go

and both

one.

557

I would be very happy if my audience amounted to

0.01% of people of the world.

There are 8 billion people in the world.

So 0.01% would be a million.

I would be very happy with a million readers.

558

The superhero went on a diet

to eliminate excess fate.

559

Nobel-prize winning physicists

are a dime a pi squared.

560

She had a joint sociology and physics major.

She was writing a dissertation on

the in-laws of the universe.

561

He wrote the story of his life

on the front of ten reams of paper.

When he died

he went to the other side.

562

She was disoriented.

“I can’t here you,

and I can’t there you either.”

563

Stalin believed in

the collective conscious.

564

When the chemist-priest heard confession,

he anointed the penitent with water,

and announced,

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

I dissolve you.”

565

Kierkegaard was a champion rower.

He was excellent with either oar.

566

3 men dropped dead cleaning the house.

Luther told the Protestant — Cleanliness is next to godliness. To Heaven you go.

St. Peter told the Catholic — Cleaning counts as Purgatory. To Heaven you go.

Einstein told the Jew — You what? You wasted your last day? To Hell with you.

567

If you don’t know God’s name,

how can you expect to get his email address?

568

He invented a bottle in which he could save time.

Whenever he had dead time,

waiting for this or that,

he put it in the bottle,

planning to use it to extend his life.

But when he died, the bottle broke.

569

Dinner prayer —

We thank God for our hunger and thirst

so we can enjoy food and drink.

570

Writing lessons —

To say more,

say less.

571

Someone on Twitter asked,

“Where do your thoughts come from?”

I replied,

“Emptiness.

Perhaps it’s a quantum effect.

When I clear my mind of everyday concerns

and think about nothing,

my best ideas occur to me.”

572

The more here you are

the better you can understand there.

573

When a programmer finds

a simple solution to a difficult problem,

what does he say?

“Hip, hip, array!”

574

“How do you plan to spend the day?”

“I don’t want to spend it.

I think I’ll save it for tomorrow,

and earn interest.

575

The older I get

the more things I forget or lose.

Today I lost my mind.

I better check under the bed.

That’s where it was the last time.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com