Grandad Jokes, Batch #95
From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion of the book Grandad Jokes.
551
What did the glass of water say to the sugar?
“Be part of the solution.”
552
If Darwin lived today
instead of the Descent of Man,
he would write the Decent of Man,
lamenting that we have devolved so far
that “common” decency is now rare.
553
If you can get on the merry-go-round,
you can change the whirled.
554
When Archimedes said,
“Give me a place to stand
and a lever long enough,
and I’ll move the world,”
God answered,
“Give me a hundred elements and
I’ll build a universe,”
and his wife said,
“Give me dark matter and dark energy.
and I’ll build infinite universes.”
555
Sales of the Tanach
led to
Old Testament profits.
556
The monks played
being go
and both
one.
557
I would be very happy if my audience amounted to
0.01% of people of the world.
There are 8 billion people in the world.
So 0.01% would be a million.
I would be very happy with a million readers.
558
The superhero went on a diet
to eliminate excess fate.
559
Nobel-prize winning physicists
are a dime a pi squared.
560
She had a joint sociology and physics major.
She was writing a dissertation on
the in-laws of the universe.
561
He wrote the story of his life
on the front of ten reams of paper.
When he died
he went to the other side.
562
She was disoriented.
“I can’t here you,
and I can’t there you either.”
563
Stalin believed in
the collective conscious.
564
When the chemist-priest heard confession,
he anointed the penitent with water,
and announced,
“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
I dissolve you.”
565
Kierkegaard was a champion rower.
He was excellent with either oar.
566
3 men dropped dead cleaning the house.
Luther told the Protestant — Cleanliness is next to godliness. To Heaven you go.
St. Peter told the Catholic — Cleaning counts as Purgatory. To Heaven you go.
Einstein told the Jew — You what? You wasted your last day? To Hell with you.
567
If you don’t know God’s name,
how can you expect to get his email address?
568
He invented a bottle in which he could save time.
Whenever he had dead time,
waiting for this or that,
he put it in the bottle,
planning to use it to extend his life.
But when he died, the bottle broke.
569
Dinner prayer —
We thank God for our hunger and thirst
so we can enjoy food and drink.
570
Writing lessons —
To say more,
say less.
571
Someone on Twitter asked,
“Where do your thoughts come from?”
I replied,
“Emptiness.
Perhaps it’s a quantum effect.
When I clear my mind of everyday concerns
and think about nothing,
my best ideas occur to me.”
572
The more here you are
the better you can understand there.
573
When a programmer finds
a simple solution to a difficult problem,
what does he say?
“Hip, hip, array!”
574
“How do you plan to spend the day?”
“I don’t want to spend it.
I think I’ll save it for tomorrow,
and earn interest.
575
The older I get
the more things I forget or lose.
Today I lost my mind.
I better check under the bed.
That’s where it was the last time.
