Grandpa Jokes, Batch #61

Richard Seltzer
2 min readMay 22, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

1076

She was late for everything.

Even her coffee was latte.

1077

When she lost her pills,

in the throes of despair,

she threw a pair

of throw pillows.

1078

As the chef said —

may the forks be with you.

1079

Caesar and Brutus were always trying to one-up one another.

Brutus boasted that he ate a 5-pound steak.

And Caesar replied,

“Et two, Brute.”

1080

How deep is hell?

nine stories deep,

scary stories,

told around a campfire,

at midnight.

1081

When the ghost was scared

he dropped dread.

1082

Wonder Woman’s daughter was

Wonder Bred.

1083

Don’t give up.

Up has too much already.

Don’t give him anything more.

1084

Poseidon was a champion at trying.

That’s why he was awarded the try-dent.

1085

She always wore old outfits when she went out.

She enjoyed being dated.

1086

At the publication party the romance novel was launched

into the pathosphere.

1087

“I love you unconditionally.”

“Does that mean you won’t use hair conditioner?”

1088

Beware of autocorrect

on self-driving cars.

1089

When she went anywhere on her bicycle

she went there twice,

because it’s important to recycle.

1090

Heraclitus —

You can never cross the same tweet-stream twice.

1091

I prefer french fries

over onion rings.

Rings are very annoying.

They keep waking me up.

1092

At this stage of his career,

the author-to-be is focusing

on living, 24 hours a day,

as research for his future novels.

1093

The sprinter didn’t eat a thing for three days before the big race.

He was fasting.

1094

All day every day,

she stood by the stream and breathed heavily.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m panting for gold.”

1095

The witch wanted to write novels.

But first she needed a broom of her own.

1096

The shellfish meditated

to achieve a clam mind.

But still he remained a shellfish person.

1097

When Tweeter enters the cruise business

their vessel will be The Followship.

1098

Seven Up used to advertise as the “Uncola”.

Why didn’t they partner with the UN?

1099

What did The Gap have to pay

to get railway stations all over the US and the UK

to advertise for them over and over again?

“Watch The Gap”

1100

With sales of his novels near zero,

the desperate author made a huge donation to the church

in exchange for a meeting with the Pope.

That was the only way he was going to get an audience.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com