Grandpa Jokes, Batch #61
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
1076
She was late for everything.
Even her coffee was latte.
1077
When she lost her pills,
in the throes of despair,
she threw a pair
of throw pillows.
1078
As the chef said —
may the forks be with you.
1079
Caesar and Brutus were always trying to one-up one another.
Brutus boasted that he ate a 5-pound steak.
And Caesar replied,
“Et two, Brute.”
1080
How deep is hell?
nine stories deep,
scary stories,
told around a campfire,
at midnight.
1081
When the ghost was scared
he dropped dread.
1082
Wonder Woman’s daughter was
Wonder Bred.
1083
Don’t give up.
Up has too much already.
Don’t give him anything more.
1084
Poseidon was a champion at trying.
That’s why he was awarded the try-dent.
1085
She always wore old outfits when she went out.
She enjoyed being dated.
1086
At the publication party the romance novel was launched
into the pathosphere.
1087
“I love you unconditionally.”
“Does that mean you won’t use hair conditioner?”
1088
Beware of autocorrect
on self-driving cars.
1089
When she went anywhere on her bicycle
she went there twice,
because it’s important to recycle.
1090
Heraclitus —
You can never cross the same tweet-stream twice.
1091
I prefer french fries
over onion rings.
Rings are very annoying.
They keep waking me up.
1092
At this stage of his career,
the author-to-be is focusing
on living, 24 hours a day,
as research for his future novels.
1093
The sprinter didn’t eat a thing for three days before the big race.
He was fasting.
1094
All day every day,
she stood by the stream and breathed heavily.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m panting for gold.”
1095
The witch wanted to write novels.
But first she needed a broom of her own.
1096
The shellfish meditated
to achieve a clam mind.
But still he remained a shellfish person.
1097
When Tweeter enters the cruise business
their vessel will be The Followship.
1098
Seven Up used to advertise as the “Uncola”.
Why didn’t they partner with the UN?
1099
What did The Gap have to pay
to get railway stations all over the US and the UK
to advertise for them over and over again?
“Watch The Gap”
1100
With sales of his novels near zero,
the desperate author made a huge donation to the church
in exchange for a meeting with the Pope.
That was the only way he was going to get an audience.
