10 Life Lessons I Learned Being a Refugee
We are facing the biggest refugee crisis of our generation. Our news feeds are full of heart-wrenching images of men, women and children fleeing their country, leaving everything they know and love behind. I’m so proud that my country has agreed to resettle 25,000 Syrian refugees in the coming months and the first group just arrived. IKEA Canada, the company where I had my “corporate upbringing”, has pledged nearly $200K of furniture and CN, my last company, has pledged $5M to help resettle the refugees: incredible generosity from incredible organizations.
Seeing all this, I can’t help but remember how my mother, father and I were in the same situation 30 years ago. Yes, I was a refugee too. My family fled Sri Lanka due to the civil war in 1983, and the lessons I learned from my parents’ experiences have been invaluable throughout my life and career. I hope they’re helpful to you too!
“If we don’t survive…”
“Black July” is widely recognized as the start of Sri Lanka’s bloody civil war between the government and the Tamil Tiger rebels in 1983. My mother was just 21, my father was working out of the country at the Muscat international airport in Oman and I was an infant.
July 23rd, 1983 started like any other day. My mother was living in their newly built home with her sister, parents and I. Around 08:30, my father called in a panic saying that Sri Lanka was all over the news. He asked my mother to grab our passports and get ready to leave. Within minutes, men with batons and machetes rang the doorbell: “Are there any Tamils living here?”, they asked. Although my mother is Tamil, she looks Sinhalese and speaks Sinhala well. Thanks to my father’s warning, she casually answered: “No, why do you ask?”. They explained they had an electoral list and that there was a Tamil family in the neighbourhood. Their search “unsuccessful”, they left after a few minutes. Our family ran and never saw that house ever again.
Tamils were transported at night by motorcycle as the helmets could hide their faces. The men said they couldn’t transport the baby (me), so my mother had to make the most difficult decision of her life. She handed over her first-born infant son to her neighbours saying: “Please keep him safe. If we don’t survive, his father will come back for him.”. I can’t imagine the feeling of handing over your only child, not knowing if you’ll ever see them again.
My mother and I were eventually reunited and on August 12th, 1983, we escaped Sri Lanka, with a small suitcase and the clothes on our backs. We made our way to the UK, then India and eventually to the US and Canada with my father. My mother hasn’t been back to Sri Lanka since.
The war lasted nearly three decades and came to a bloody end in 2009. Thank God, my mother and her parents made it out alive. Others weren’t so lucky.
Lesson 1: People across the globe are going through inconceivably hellish situations right now. If you’re in a position to help, please do.
“You Sell Talcum Powder and Persian rugs?”
My parents were hosted by a group of young Tamil men the day they arrived in Canada. My mother overheard them speaking: “Yes, $50,000, that’s the deal.”, “No, we agreed to $10,000, make it happen.”, “No, $70,000 is too much. Renegotiate.”. Eventually, her curiosity got the best of her…
Mom: What business are you guys in?
Young Man (YM): Thool. (“Thool” = “powder” in Tamil)
M: Powder? …like…talcum powder?
Dad (quietly): I’ll explain it to you later…
M: I don’t understand. They’re selling THAT much powder?
YM (eyes rolling): Anna, (“Anna” = “big brother” in Tamil) explain…
D: It’s OK.
M (insisting): I really don’t understand how you can make that much money from powder…
YM: Rrugs!! Rrrugs!!!
M (more confused): Rugs?? Like…Persian Rugs???
D: Thanks for your hospitality, we need to leave.
Lesson 2: The most difficult times in your life will give you some great stories.
“We’ve never taken a single welfare payment.”
A fellow refugee in Canada once said to my mother: “I don’t know where you grew up, but we don’t do manual labour. Do you realize you’d have more money if you just collect welfare like us?” Her response: “I’m not sure where you grew up, but I was taught, if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”
My parents believe welfare is reserved for those who physically don’t have the ability to work. They sent their first (and only) welfare cheque for $750 back to the government believing that someone else may have needed it more. My mother spent the majority of her salary on daycare and my father recalls how they sometimes didn’t have enough money for food, but they insisted on working. They never wanted to be a burden on the country that so graciously took them in.
Lesson 3: Contribute to society. Don’t be lazy. If you have your health, you can work.
Bonus lesson: You will always have haters, even within your own community. Keep doing the right thing.
White Collar to Blue Collar
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Growing up, my father often reminded me of this Bible verse. He had a well-paying job he loved in the Middle East as a flight operations manager and when he came to Canada, he took a minimum wage job in a garment factory’s assembly line.
My father is a cheerful and positive person no matter the circumstances. Despite the job, he worked very hard, did his best, immediately stood out and was quickly promoted to supervisor at the factory. Hard work pays off.
If you’re not a believer, then “work with all your heart” for yourself. Take pride in your work, no matter what it is.
Lesson 4: No job is “beneath you”; no matter your job, do your best with enthusiasm and diligence.
“You will have to work at least twice as hard…”
While racism is still prevalent today, I hear it was much more overt in the 80s. I remember my father telling me at a young age: “Life isn’t always fair. You have to understand that because you’re different, you will have to work at least twice as hard to get the same treatment and rewards as some of your friends.”
I don’t attribute anything (successes, failures, weird looks, comments, etc.) to my skin colour, but perhaps somewhere deep down, that lesson stuck with me.
You may not stand out because of your skin colour, but perhaps it’s your religion, political inclinations or sexual orientation. Whatever it may be, first look inward and take responsibility as your behaviour and reaction is all you can control. If someone is being blatantly discriminatory, pity their ignorance and move on.
Lesson 5: Pulling the race/religion/sexual orientation card is an easy cop out. Make yourself stronger by looking inward rather than outward.
Extraordinary Generosity, No Matter Your Circumstances
My parents instilled the concept of tithing (giving at least 10% of your income to the church / less fortunate) in me from the day I earned my first dollar.
My father recounts how even if they didn’t have money to buy milk for me, they always made sure to give 10% of their income to the church first, so the church could take care of those that had even less than they did.
Lesson 6: Practice extraordinary generosity and caring for the less fortunate, no matter your circumstances.
“Count Your Blessings, Name them One by One”
Although we didn’t have much, my mother often sang the hymn: “Count Your Blessings”. You may not be a refugee, but life may be taking you through strenuous circumstances at this very moment. Here are a few blessings you may not realize…
Lesson 7: The abstract concept of gratefulness and being appreciative is a healthy way to live, but be specific: Take time to count and name your blessings.
Blending Cultures: “I’m going to be white?!”
The day had come; we were going to become Canadian citizens! On our way to the citizenship ceremony I asked my father where we were going:
Dad: We’re going to become Canadians today!
I: I’m going to be white?!
D: Yes! When we get there, there’s a big tub of acid that you get dipped in and then you come out Canadian!
I: (after a minute of quiet contemplation) … but I LIKE being brown!
My parents took elements of Sri Lankan and Canadian culture and transformed them into a unique blend- especially when it came to food! I’ve always taken pride in the cultural diversity of my friends and have a hard time understanding xenophobia. My parties, for as long as I can remember, typically look like the United Nations or Benetton ads!
Lesson 8: Blend and enrich each others’ cultures. Disregard assimilation or exclusion, take the best of all cultures and create a beautiful mosaic.
The Dream Life 30 Years Later
Our family’s story and situation three decades ago is in stark contrast to where we are today. Thank God, we’ve all come a long way.
Today, 30 years later, I’m sitting on my balcony with a view of a lush, green volcano in a tropical country. I’m in the nicest apartment complex in the city, waiting for my driver to take me out for lunch while the maid cleans up after last night’s party. The experience often feels surreal or like I’m living someone else’s life.
I recognize that all this can vanish in an instant. While I’m extremely grateful, the thought crosses my mind of how different life would be had my parents not made it, or more importantly, not been accepted by Canada.
Lesson 9: Life happens in seasons. You will have ups and downs. Life will throw you curve balls. Keep moving forward and be grateful. Always.
What Can We Do Today?
This crisis seems insurmountable. Over 12 million Syrians have become refugees due to the conflict and more than HALF are children, like I was when I left Sri Lanka. Here are some things we can do:
- My good friend @JenAzzolin has founded @wehostrefugees. It is being called “the AirBNB of refugee relief”. Check out their website and if you’re so inclined, I encourage you to become a host.
- Another family friend, James Watts, who won the Prime Minister’s Award for Teaching Excellence has started a GoFundMe campaign to raise funds for tuition for refugees.
- The Canadian Government has plenty of ways to help: Donate. Volunteer. Sponsor.
- At the very least, I encourage you to keep an open mind when it comes to refugees: they are people, just like you and I, who are going through a difficult season of life. We can learn a lot from each other.
Lesson 10: Keep paying it forward.
Update: I’ve asked my mother to write her full story of how she escaped Sri Lanka. I will link to it here once it’s done.
