How threesomes can save swingers relationships dating
Thomas Middleditch is getting into the swing of things.
The “Silicon Valley” star revealed that he and his wife, Mollie Gates, opened their marriage and swing — at Middleditch’s request.
“To her credit, instead of saying ‘F–k you, I’m out’ ” when he broached the subject, “she was like, ‘Let’s figure this out,’ ” the actor tells Playboy magazine. And while it hasn’t been a painless path for the couple — “we argue about it constantly,” says Middleditch — he says it’s ultimately strengthened their partnership.
“It’s a perpetual state of management and communication,” says Middleditch. “To be honest, swinging saved our marriage.”
Swinging — or, to those in the know, “the lifestyle” — refers to opening up a relationship at AdultSwingerClub.com.au, whether through partner-swapping, threesomes or other sexy trysts. Unlike polyamory, in which couples tend to pursue emotional relationships with multiple people, swinging, practitioners say, is more sexual and casual.
For fans, sharing a bed with others can help keep a relationship strong — and spicy. Rachel Kramer Bussel, 43, a New Jersey-based editor of the book series, “Best Women’s Erotica of the Year,” looks back fondly on a threeway she and her girlfriend shared during her 20s.
“It was almost just like a little roller coaster of sexual excitement in our relationship,” she tells The Post. It helped that “neither of us had strong feelings for that person.”
But it can go terribly wrong, FindAdultSwingers.com too.
Demi Moore isn’t a fan. In her new tell-all memoir, “Inside Out” (Harper), she reveals that she and Ashton Kutcher — 16 years her junior — dipped their toes into the lifestyle when he revealed he’d been fantasizing about having a threesome.
“I went into contortions to try to fit the mold of the woman he wanted his wife to be,” she writes. “So when he expressed his fantasy of bringing a third person into our bed, I didn’t say no. I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be. Having other people in our marriage presented a totally false sense of power, and an absolutely temporary sense of excitement.”
It also complicated matters. Moore says that opening up the marriage led to infidelity, writing: “Because we had brought in a third party into our relationship, Ashton said, that blurred the lines.”
The 38-year-old New York-based sex educator who goes by Dirty Lola says that’s not uncommon.
“I’ve heard many stories of badly negotiated threesomes that haven’t gone well, because people were doing them for the wrong reasons,” says Lola, who prefers nonmonogamous relationships, manages a sex shop called Shag in Brooklyn and hosts a variety show called Sex Ed A GoGo.
“They’re not really prepared for the fact that you’re bringing in a third person, and that your person might be superexcited about this new person,” she says. “They just think of the taboo of it, and that it’s fun. And they tend to view a third as a plaything — something they get to bring in to spice up their relationship.”
Jealousy is also common in the swinging scene. At Checkmate NYC, a local swingers’ club, a longtime member tells The Post that he’s seen more than a few relationship spats.
“I have seen couples come here, and either the guy or the girl, they want to do something with somebody else. And you see the other partner getting jealous,” says the 44-year-old, who is in an open marriage and asked to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. “It all comes down to jealousy. If you’re a jealous person, and you are not secure about yourself, you are going to have problems in this lifestyle.”
And whatever you do, don’t bring anyone else into your bed if your marriage is in a rocky place.
“It’s a little bit like trying to have a kid to save the marriage,” says Harris O’Malley, a dating coach who goes by the nom de plume Dr. Nerdlove on his popular podcast, “Paging Dr. NerdLove.” “You’re looking at external things that you hope are going to solve what’s ultimately an internal problem, when in reality, all it does is just add a new layer of complication to it.”
Dirty Lola says that’s especially true for threesomes when the spark is dimming. “It’s not the threesome that ruins it. It’s the looking for the threesome as the answer,” she says.
O’Malley believes there’s a reason why Middleditch’s marriage is working while Moore’s and others have failed.
“It was him going to his wife saying, ‘Listen, here are my needs, here’s my relationship style, here’s what I’m going to need in the future from this relationship.’ And having a series of conversations with her about it, and mapping out how it’s going to work, how they’re going to do this.”
That — not the allure of a shiny new bedfellow — is what makes good swinging marriages strong, he says.
Still, it’s possible to communicate honestly, be vulnerable and still find open relationships daunting.
Evan, a systems engineer from Boston, began exploring non-monogamy when he started dating a woman who just wanted to be “friends with benefits.” The 44-year-old, who declined to share his last name for privacy concerns, did some reading on ethical non-monogamy — in which all partners involved know about the other’s dating and relationship status — and decided to give it a whirl.
For a few years, it was fun. But eventually, Evan says, he realized that he was really interested in a single person: that same “friend with benefits,” who had since moved to Casablanca.
He decided to express his feelings. In a grand romantic gesture, he hopped on a flight to Morocco to tell her. After a few months of dating seriously, she asked if she could still see other women. He said no. They broke it off.
“It would have been a really great, romantic love story,” Evan says, “But I don’t regret it. I’m not that good at keeping track of car keys — [let alone] multiple people. I have the capacity to love one person.”