Midnight Millennial Mumblings

My version of ‘tossing & turning’ is staring at a tiny box of light in a foetal position

Could haves should haves would haves
What if 
Curiosity kills the cat

Life is going too quickly and my rational side is running out of patience I was never good at waiting anyway

What is the point of making eat-less / learn-more /clean-up goals if I can’t seem to stick to them

I think I can have a fulfilling life but still feel empty; fulfilling to whose and what standard? Am I just acting out an identity, projecting a hologram… approved by my colleagues… loved by loved ones…? Maybe Freud came up with the idea of an id because deep down he really just wanted to flip off everyone or occasionally burst into tears -just ‘cos- but he kept telling himself not to so he named that villain a superego (like a supervillain).

I’m tired but in a strange way. I definitely don’t feel like I deserve to be tired. Not physically nor mentally, because I feel like I can do better / what I’m doing is sometimes beneath me (as arrogant as it sounds). I’m tired of thinking of the could haves would haves should haves

Of my contribution to increase positive utils in a society that needs more
Of environmental sustainability and how I know it’s important to stop taking away food in plastic containers but I still do because I’m a shitty human being 
Of what it means to be a young female and what to say in casual conversations with men (especially older bosses of companies) when they allude to stereotypes or make sexist remarks but I know there is no malicious intent in general they’re all just products of patriarchy

I feel like I should have been done struggling through all this in university. Unfortunately I don’t know what the fuck I was doing half the time, crying over should haves? I guess if I didn’t cry over those things then maybe the situations would have just switched slots assuming a chronological linear perspective of my life

I’m scared of what happens next. There’s so much autonomy from here on. If I were to only consider my bubble and my decisions, it would be less scary but I don’t get to have these independent would haves. Because we’re all just walking around in circles and making Venn diagrams with other people.

Did they ever tell you that you can’t start a sentence with “Because”? Because it’s an easy way out. No one approves of the easy way out when you’re young. We’re the strawberry generation, they say. We don’t know how to work hard, they say.

They don’t realize that we don’t always think in a linear fashion… Or that sometimes we are a few steps ahead. Sometimes I have to dumb myself down because I’m afraid of offending someone. Because I like to cut out unnecessary (usually repetitive) alignments to protocol, like the first half of a sentence (esp. when one already knows the context).

I don’t know where this is going. Like my career. Haha. Please USA, please don’t vote for Drumpf. I still want to work in New York City.

One day I want to do a MA in Philosophy. Maybe when I’m financially stable with decently aged kids. 40? 45?

Don’t even get me started on kids. They happen when they happen, after 32. My starting point keeps tumbling back, too soon, too soon. I want them but don’t want them too, I want my S P A C E can I please just be rich enough to hire a nanny by the time that happens

I hate fixating on money. But without it I am forever doomed to be mediocre unless I move somewhere to farm

But I like the city and I like being busy and I like being tired and I like questioning the point of me being here and I like having my cake and licking all the crumbs up after eating it too

Eyes are finally closing

I wrote this in my personal Livejournal last month, while trying to sleep. On their terrible and buggy app, and yes, Livejournal still exists (#2005 #goingstrong). If it’s good enough for George R. R. Martin, it’s good enough for me. Anyway, I had published this post at 01:47 am, filled with regret that I stayed up typing nonsense AGAIN when I am NOT a morning person.

Earlier today, I saw this article by Adweek defending the working habits of Millennials which strongly resonated with me (although frankly, I detest being called a ‘Millennial’, mainly because I usually see it in a derogatory and dismissive context). True to the article, here I am, feeling frustrated and bored whilst sitting in the back of a workshop on Content & Social Media Marketing for…well, let’s just say that they have identified with the term ‘Digital Migrants’. I wanted to rant somewhere, so I went to my Livejournal.

Nothing has changed.

It’s been 20.5 days and I still haven’t done anything to change my status quo.

Jack Ma (and countless other entrepreneurs, writers, bloggers, etc.) have said again, and again, and again, that it’s just all about execution.

So, here goes nothing.

Hello, Medium.