The way how my failures discovered the passion

“repeating an exercise for multiple times bored me so hard; I felt sick but could not find any option; exercising, was my trying to improve myself with a blind belief and hard persistence with no guarantee of success; only a chance of random luck seemed an alternative.”

I am a fickle person needing a drive and a goal otherwise; I start losing any interest and get bored. Leaving things unfinished or switching from one to another is the most common reactions of me. I am sure, this is quite a common pattern.

I had been attending consultants, therapists, seers; reading, studying and testing different techniques. 
Positive thinking became my lifestyle a long time ago but that required permanent efforts and motivation, which had been problematic for a person suffering from depression time to time.

Psychology studies provide some but still not all needed answers. Reading different types of analyses and researches about motivational problems more new exercises and techniques become available. I had studied and tested several, but they did not serve me enough. You can always find lots of great advice but most of them controversial and even competitive. 
They are about changing actual patterns with improved ones in regards to change the behavior or reactions. The tools are a belief in what you are doing and self-motivation exercises. Need to find the primary motivation for finding motivation. Too tough logic or me.

“there is only one person in the world able to help; you can find him only looking in the mirror. 
all the world can provide only a mirror.”

Motivation and focusing turned out to be impossible without persistence, but that was not the solution for me. First, because that was too hard and required concentration. That caused daily struggles with me and new disappointment and a higher level of dissatisfaction at the moment of fail. 
Persistence frequently causes discomfort, stress, and wastes of energy. Possibly, that could be more acceptable for teamwork when assistants are available.

The motivation is a good solution on the one hand, but without the persistence that is nothing more, but a fantasy. I had been following several motivational programs and I failed mostly. I always started with a lot of passion and true commitment not to give up this time. To be honest, only the objections and excuses have ever differed and never the result. I always quit.

English is not my mother language and the time since I studied in school, or the time of using English daily, is too long ago. Transforming that period into an equivalent of human age that would result in adulthood. Long-time, telling in short.
When I started looking for new opportunities I realized I want to try myself in new fields. I made several attempts, but every time that failed and landed me in stress The reason turned out to be my limited communication ability.

“That’s so blind, how blind you become when following a belief blindly.”

First, a problem arose when I had to compose a business letter, which turned out for me to be a mission impossible. The typing was fast in the beginning. I needed to search only for a few words in the dictionary, but my confidence in English was still on high. Being so fond of my finished letter, I decided to read it.
For sure, now I can tell that with humor, but that was not funny at the moment I started reading. There was nothing in English except the letters, which appeared still being the same.
Efforts decrypting the text were doomed because of the perception of my masterpiece would result in new cryptography. Because of my belief in myself being on the level still, I took a few more tries. Choosing among the nominees was catastrophy but that could become a manuscript for a stand-up comedy show on Friday night. There was nothing even close to a letter I needed to compose. 
I will pass-by telling about everything happening inside me, and say only one — that took time to accept the painful reality. 
The fact of being unable to communicate even on a basic level was a shock for me in the beginning, which turned into a real tragedy later. I love myself for being able to laugh not only at others but for me, as well.

There is a significant difference between verbal and written communication. The essence lies in the ability to transfer the meaning of the information, through a written text to a receiver, knowing the fact that he will be reading what is written, instead of what is the original meaning.

“do not seek answers, because they are too controversial; learn to notice the true questions, that will provide the answers needed.”

I realized that I am not ready for classical learning and that was the main reason for seeing no possibility to attend language courses. I was not willing to replace my priorities and hobbies with studies.

After realizing a paradox that there is no better chance of learning writing than to start doing that, more of my correspondence switched to English that helped in increasing my writing skills and self-confidence returned. I started trying myself in writing essays, poetry, and comments.

The updating of forgotten skills resulted in finding my passion and framed a desire to follow. I am not meaning English, reading or writing but the process of learning, exploring and improving myself in regards to find new interests, more information, meet new people.

I am an opened person and having the chance to share my feelings with others matters to me. Do I want to become a writer? Sure, I do! But I have already experienced that even the fact of having the best ideas in the world do not guarantee you can become a writer without learning. 
Having an extraordinary storytelling talent in a company of your friends is a great skill to start with but to write a story or a book, which will be readable for people you even do not know, is another.

“the passion can be achieved only in an action; that is hardly possible be guessed without any trying.”

Passion emerges as a kind of inner energy that naturally arises with no efforts. That is because of loving what I do and feeling happy because of that. 
Sounds crazy, but I had the answer inside me from the very beginning but was not prepared to recognize and accept that. I was too much concentrated on googling for the motivation and lacked the wisdom of how to see that. That is very true that everything grows from the inside out and on that’s own timing.

“when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”/Buddha/

I have achieved my passion that has become the motivator to continue the journey of self-exploring and self-development. The most surprising is to realize that the motivator is not a person but some substance inside me, my inner I.

Even making mistakes have a different meaning, now. Identifying them and finding solutions and achieving the result afterward, brings more excitement and satisfaction.
When the rating of my writing increases I am feeling happy because that certifies the next small victory. 
According to the results of happiness studies, the level of personal happiness depends on the frequency more than on the intensity.

This is my story of creating and collecting my moments, how I rise my competence in order to become more experienced in life. My way of finding the motivator which does not hurt but is beneficial and drives me to grow. 
Join my journey if you wish, or create your own.