Confused.

I walked in your door with proud

I walked in your door with big smile on my face

Never imagine be with one of you is possible

Till it happens and I am one of you

My heart was pounding when the first time I walked in as a member

Thought ‘life couldn’t be better than this’

Thought ‘what did I do till universe is so kind and give me all of these things?’

Life was so perfect back then.

But then the real storm’s coming. The storm that I never expected.

And came along with all bad thoughts about it.

What if this isn’t what I want?

What if all those proudness is just a camuflase?

What if I didn’t know what I want and just wanted to be ‘awesome’?

Suddenly everything doesn’t make any sense.

I thought I should be happy, I should be proud, I should be enjoying this moment of my life. Because life is only once, right?

But then all those thoughts become unreal and seems wrong.

This isn’t how it supposed to be.

This isn’t how life supposed to be.

Suddenly everything is wrong.

People say I am the lucky one. People say I am great because of this. People say good things about me because this thing.

But some how, deep inside, I know this ain’t cool at all. I know it doesn’t suit me like it suits everybody else.

I know I don’t fit to this world and some how all those proudness and big smiles are gone. I become completely empty.

Who’d thought it could end up like this? I never did.

But it’s happening.

It’s happening: that my “dream job” isn’t actually my dream job.

I supposed to do what I do right now for free. For fun. For hobbies.

But since it turns out into a job… It’s not fun anymore. It’s an obligation that you should fulfill and can’t control.

Passion should be something you can control, doesn’t it?

And now, I’m here all alone and feel useless.

Feeling empty.

Because suddenly I realize, now I don’t know my ‘dream job’ is. I don’t know where to go. I’m loosing my direction.

I’m confused.

And I hate it so much.