like alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, i am addicted to you.

you are absolutely no good for me, you offer nothing, you dont make me a better person, there’s nothing about you that i SHOULD miss. but this aching feeling in my heart still comes and goes.

what keeps driving me crazy is i know youre no good. i know you cant be the only boy for me. i know there are “plenty of fish in the sea.” i know you dont care about me the way i care about you. i know you are incapable of giving the love i wish you could give me. but even after everything i know, somewhere in my heart, i still have this false hope that one day youll come to me. that one day, you and me are gonna be the best. and i dont know why i keep keep keep thinking this. it pierces me in the heart every time i slam back into reality and out of my daydreams. im so tired of thinking of you. im exhausted just waiting for the memory of you to disappear. and what’s even worse is i truly feel like none of this is your fault. i feel like its my own. i knew i was younger than you, less experienced and all but i had fallen in love with the idea of you rather than seeing the actual person who stood in front of me. i thought sex could fix it. i thought if i gave myself to you physically, you would give yourself to me emotionally.

i would never say you took advantage of me because in the back of my mind, buried beneath all my hope and affection for you, i knew exactly what was going to happen. i knew you would run away and only come back for physical pleasure. but i wanted you in my heart and in my arms so terribly, i was okay with hurting myself, i was okay with giving myself to you even though you didnt deserve it, because i would rather have a piece of you than nothing at all. i wanted you to want me as much as i wanted you. i still do. and i dont want to.

this isnt even love. i cant love someone i dont know. i know you, physically. i know what you look like naked. i know the taste of your lips. i know the touch of your skin. i know your eyes and how it feels to have them locked on mine. but i dont know you. i dont know what its like to be with you without becoming sexual. we live on two different islands and this sexual bridge connects us momentarily but not forever. it breaks and crumbles and i build it back up only for it to break again.

i dont know what this is. im not in love with you.

i feel the hole in my heart and i cant figure out what caused it. it was there before you and i keep trying to use you to fill it. i want you to patch it so i can stop feeling this. is it because youre bad? because you make me happy and make me feel worthless all at the same time? this is something within me. its a comfortable feeling. its familiar. maybe because you treat me like shit and i see myself that way too. i dont know.

this hole of mine is a mystery to me. i feel like i need you to want me and i cant figure out why — you only want me in a physical way and ive been with other guys who only want me in a physical way too, but i dont think about them.

i didnt miss you at all for a long time but youre back in my head. we havent spoken and youre back. i hate it. crying over you is a bittersweet release. because i know i am in the process of forgetting you but still with my whole heart, i am in love with the idea i had of you and me. i am in love with the idea of being happy with you. but because those small times we had together temporarily filled that hole for me, i keep thinking having you forever will forever take that space. and realizing that this emptiness cant be taken away by anybody only makes me feel worse. eventually i know ill find it and patch myself up but right now im at a loss, and i thought you would fix it.