The Dark Days | Sjava’s Music as Therapy

Vuyo
Vuyo
Sep 7, 2018 · 3 min read
image by Tseliso Monaheng

“The wounded heart learns self-love by first overcoming low self-esteem.”
bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

On April 27, 2018 — my life changed forever. My brother who was also my best friend and soulmate died. I’ve been working through the process and trying to gather myself. It’s been a trying few months and something keeps drawing me back into a dark space. My therapist has described my grief as complicated because I have days where I am okay — I am happy, I celebrate him — and then there are days like today where I cry bucket loads, missing him dearly. I also went through a terrible breakup. A friend close to me broke up with me as well. Both my parents were absent from my life in different ways. I’ve been coming to terms with an entire life of LOSS…

I got up to write after reaching out to friends, and coming to terms with a strange loneliness. On days like this, I feel like NOTHING can make me feel better except crying, feeling a lifetime of pain and listening to Sjava. Honestly, I chose not to deal with anything today because I’m simply not up for it.

In Iqhawe Sjava echoes a feeling similar to how I wake up feeling like this… I keep saying I need strength. I am against the narrative of performing being a ‘strong black woman’ but right now, I really need that strength and after listening to this song, I sat up and started writing and working. Honestly, this song was a reminder that my brother’s death is the exact reason I should continue living. In the song, he sings:

Vuka
Liza ngamathuba amasha
Ilanga ekuseni
Ma liphuma

Ma uvuka ekuseni
Into ekuqala nje thandaza
Ubonge imphilo
Banning banga vukanga

Sure, it’s a hard day and bad things keep happening, it’s important for me to understand and feel this pain and sadness. I often tell my kids, “It’s okay to be sad” and I’m faced with taking my own advice. In Uthando Sjava reminds us that our partners are not related to us, and I remember my friend Kholeka echoing a similar sentiment. At the end of the day, the love I received from my brother can never be replaced and no lover can support me the way he did — they didn’t grow up with me.

Impilo reminded me of the anger I have felt towards past lovers for not ‘returning’ my affections. This is when I experienced the thin line between love and hate. I’ve been contemplating my recent break-up, thinking about going back, fighting off the urge to send a text but Sjava reminds me that life goes on… Having been in an abusive relationship before, this song serves as a reminder that it’s important to deal with my own issues before entering a relationship again.

The other day, I commented on the fact that I’ve slept on Sjava, as I delve into his music — I am astonished at the emotional connection I have made to him. I really want to thank my brother from another mother, Ase, for putting me on to his music after my brother passed on. It’s been a source of healing for me, music to cry to and just feel my pain. I can only emerge from this stronger and to conquer invasive voices in my head telling me that I’m worthless or unlovable.

Written by

Vuyo

a diary of complicated grief, anxiety disorder and depression.

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