New year, Same Loneliness

So, its 2018 already, time flies. A year makes may have a huge difference on people, things may have changed for the better or worse, however, for someone who has depression. They probably still have the feeling of loneliness deep inside of them as each day passes.

Loneliness Vs Being Alone:
Although I may not know the correct way to distinguish the two, I feel that I am able to understand the two states well. So, being alone is a physical state of being. It could be that you are just alone at home for the day or you headed for the bathroom alone — it does not mean that you are feeling lonely. On the other hand, loneliness is something which one feels (something like sadness perhaps),

How does loneliness feel?:
Based on my experience, the key thing to remember is that loneliness does not always only come when the person is alone, I have felt lonely even when I’m outside with others, its like you are just in your world with no one else able to approach you. Being lonely is that kind of aching that resonates in your chest. That dull, constant feeling that follows you around all day long. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing or whom you’re with, it’s impossible to shake that feeling.

Why I feel lonely:
1. I feel different
Since I am suffering from depression, a mental illness, I constantly have the feeling of being lonely as everyone else is just so different from me. They get to go out for parties, celebrate the festive season as well as talk to one another comfortably. In contrast, I can barely strike a conversation with anyone let alone make myself do any work because depression has just tied me down making day to day tasks almost impossible to accomplish. You may ask “Why dont you try to talk to people about it?” Truth is, I tried to do that, but the more I try to speak up about how I feel, the more lonely I feel as my friends seem to “prefer” someone else instead of me.

2. Feeling Unwanted
This brings me to the second reason why I feel lonely, I just feel so unwanted at times its unbearable. Have you ever hang out with a group of friends and at some point you just stood still and realized how unimportant and worthless you are? I have to deal with that feeling Every. Single. Day. Yes, people do talk to me but they talk to someone else more. When I am in need of someone to talk to about my emotions and suicidal thoughts, nobody is ever there. (And my constant checking and knowing that people are “online” on messaging applications yet not replying just makes it 10 times more painful) It is just like I am not needed and I could just die and it would not make any difference at all.

There are probably more reasons which I would add to the list in the near future but this two are the main one I felt the past week

On that note, Happy New Year to everyone reading this post!

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