These feelings may just be foolish.

I threw my emotions out there into the ether, to be absorbed and absolved. It likely sounded more like a bellowing screech into the void.

Of course, I’m emotionally damaged. Try being molded into a functioning human being while never staying in the same spot for more than 6 months at a time. Being raised at different times by different family members. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school that I ever stayed in one school district and even then I constantly moved around town. Only to move around more and more after school.

Anyway. I’ve fallen in love one time; fell in lust far too many. I confunsed the two consistently, but I want to focus on the former.

I was 19 years old and had just moved back to Indiana from Oregon. I had gone to college in Indianapolis, but dropped out and moved back to Portland because of severe depression. Moving back in with the mum didnt help the depression, in fact it made it unbearably worse. So much as to move all the way back to that God-Forsaken plot of earth in the mid-west. My friends were there though, and I needed them and not the alcoholic and negligent (but sweet, in a pitiful kind of way) mother.

When I moved back I moved in with my best friend, we’ll call him M. Got a nice apartment that spring and got myself a job with my dad selling roofs. We had a pretty solid group of friends. Spent most our summer nights drinking beer and smoking weed in a circle in a furnitureless living room. There was this one girl who always caught my eye. A short, quiet blond girl. We’ll call her R.

R was only 17 when I met her. Well, we met a few years earlier but never spoke after until then. Said “dude” and “man” a little too much and laughed at her own jokes. She was cute; had a “fuck it I’m alive” mentality that was attractive as well as conductive. She was friends with three other girls in our core group. Called themselves the “bitches”; that wasn’t much of an exaggeration. During the first few months of living there, we didn’t talk much but I had always had an eye on her. Being the shy and reserved guy I was, I wouldn’t make the first move and didn’t really think too much over it. My self esteem was nil at this point anyway.

Now it’s mid July, and I had been trying to rekindle things with my ex while failing miserably. I was desperate for love (or was sex?) and couldn’t find it and like and horny, affection deprived, 19 year old I was, I hit up my ex. Shot down, I decided to take a bunch of drugs with the goal of forgetting all about it and even a small hope of dying. I was in a horrible spot and found an out. M, along with my other friends offered up some ecstacy. I had never done it before, or any hard drugs for that matter up until this ppoint. Why not? Rolled that green transformer into a paper napkin ball and shot it down. No thought, no regret.

30 minutes later I’m standing in the living room and talking to R with an insurmountable amount of enthusiasm on both sides. Nuerons going insane. Dopamine blasting holes in our brains. Connecting with someone I had no idea would change the very fabric of my reality.

I’ve been in love once, and all things being equal…