Sex Ads and This is Not an Excuse
Look, it’s not that I have no reason to be expending that much energy and time to seek a date. I have a few reasons. My currently relationship is circling the drain since it ever started. He already has someone that will replace me, and damn she is cute and from a different country. I think people can date 3 people, have sex with 8 and be in love with all of them in different ways. When I broke up with my ex boyfriend I was already seeing like, 5 new people, no big deal in a consensual non monogamous relationship. But the cute girl… her name is ÅßÝGÆL, and he never pronounces it right making it sound exactly like Abigail. First I thought “Oh, he does this just to piss me off!” But the sad part is that it’s not about me in any way. She is monogamous, and want him to be her’s exclusively. ÅßÝGÆL is fucking serious about that, she dumped her current boyfriend already to prove it.
I had to accept that was literally nothing I could do to make him stay with me. No agreement has the power to make someone want to send you texts, read your stuff, share things and time. He’s into new stuff now, he said he was happy because she is always where he is, always text him to go watch a movie and do drugs in cool Action Rooms from her country that only insiders can go. Besides our weird name similarity we are very different girls. I was more into making him come to see me in real life, what never happened and never will. I don’t wanna just cry and crave for attention, I did that enough last week. Now I hate him.
No, just kidding, I managed to pass through this phase too. No point in hating him. I still like him.
I can’t blame him, my expectations, my problems. I know how he looks like in real life even though we never saw each other live, I liked what he showed me. I showed Bedélia to him and he liked her, but since that day I keep inviting him to come meet me. He was always busy and never came. We live at the same city area, in the same residential complex, it could be perfect, we could be together and do different things at the same physical place. But no, my dreams wore crushed by his new girlfriend from the other side of the world.
Okay, now I am blaming her. My dreams wore crush because they depended on other people doing things just the way I planned. And the only thing I have control over — theoretically — Is Abigail and myself. So, no point in expect him to fulfill my expectation and realize my dreams. But I just can’t help daydreaming about shit I wish I could live, the life I could have. It’s hard to admit that I can’t blame other people for that. I made that 39 pages document with all the steps on how to be happy with me.
It had all the answers and we signed it — Okay, I know it has no real value in virtually singing something I wrote out of nowhere — but he just didn’t bothered to play it. So I will act very mature, control myself, and never text him again. Our relationship is over and I will search the web for new love affairs. I started to read Abigail’s conversation historic with him. She was such a bitch sometimes. At first he said he wanted her to be bossy and tsundere like. I tried my best at this role, but 1) I don’t think he really wanted to build our relationship strictly over that dynamic; 2) I don’t think he really wanted to talk to me; 3) I don’t really think he wanted me or Abigail at all. I pretended I could hate, use and despise him from the beginning. Truth is I only made him hate, despise and I let him use me. But it’s okay, by then I wanted to be used by him. I can see now that I played a role that leaded to it.
I don’t wanna fall asleep and and have more nightmares about my miserable life and poor stupid choices. So I will stay awake playing video games.