The Whole Foods Deli Counter Has Secret American Cheese
They won’t tell you how to get it, but I will…
My wife Molly loves American Cheese, but she’s picky about it. Kraft singles? Get that junk out of here. Slices of creamy white American that come from (almost always) a big block behind the deli counter… now you’re speaking her language.
To be completely fair, I thought I hated American cheese for the better part of my life until Molly showed me the distinction between the two products. Now, while I’d still rather snack on other cheeses, I can at least see that a quality American cheese is worth having in your fridge for meltable applications.
We haven’t typically done our primary weekly shopping at the local Whole Foods, even though I really like a lot of their other products and selection, at least in part because I knew I couldn’t get the right kind of American cheese there. (Side note: an analysis of similar tiny inflection points that make people shop/not shop at specific stores would be the exact kind of nerdiness that I’d waste a lunch break reading about… Throw your recs in a comment). But this weekend I discovered that Whole Food does carry just the cheese we’re looking for… but it’s hidden.
Before I go much further, let me just TLDR this sucker. Bold, all caps, ok…
TLDR: GO TO THE WHOLE FOODS DELI COUNTER AND ASK FOR AMERICAN CHEESE, THEY HAVE IT EVEN IF IT ISN’T ON DISPLAY
Molly has been doing the shopping lately, and a few weeks ago came home with something I’d never seen before: freshly sliced American cheese in a Whole Foods deli bag. Having looked in vain for just this product before, I was naturally really curious as to where she’d found it. The answer was a standalone cooler of the kind typically reserved for a special display, seasonal product, etc.
Fast forward a week; the same WF location, with me doing the shopping. No cooler. No display. No American cheese anywhere.
I asked a nice lady stocking the produce section near the “normal” cheese display, who found an employee more familiar with the dairy case (I guess?). That gentleman looked at me like I was a kindly idiot and pointed to a pre-packaged American Cheese hanging about ten inches from my face. I took what in retrospect probably seemed like a veryoverdramatic deep breath and explained that I was looking for cheese cut from a block, usually found in a deli section, but there was no such block to be found in the deli. Employee #2 directed me to Employee #3, who worked at the Fancy Cheese Counter.
Here I just have to pause and reiterate: I love good cheese. I like stinky blue cheeses; I like runny soft French cheeses; I’d happily risk my fortunate good gut health to sample some funky raw milk cheese from an idyllic farm stand in the British countryside. The cheese-snobby part of me did not, absolutely did not, want to walk up to the Fancy Cheese Counter and ask 24-year-old Employee #3 where the block of American cheese could be found. But hey, I love my wife. And at this point I’d sunk about 10 minutes into a treasure hunt, and therefore willing to die on this hill.
Employee #3, predictably, walked me back over to the Normal Cheese in the dairy case — the pity emanating from the back of her hair-netted head only matched by her utter distain for my life choices — and tried to sell me the same pre-packed shit that Employee #2 had foisted on me.
We started from scratch. I reiterated the whole story. Did I mention yet that it was only about 9:17AM on a Saturday, and the only people in the store were me and WF Employees #1 — #6?
Anyway… I was introduced to Employee #4, the guy behind the Deli Counter. Typically, I did business with this guy if I was after prepared stuff like Mediterranean Tuna Salad or Honey Glazed Roasted Beets. I knew they had cheese, too, I’d checked the counter out a million years ago on my first hunt for American Cheese, but, and this is critical: NOT ONCE was it on display.
And again, today, there was no American Cheese at the window. Expecting to fail, but too far down this road to give up now, I asked Employee #4 if they had the goods. Without missing a beat this guy, this mouthpiece for a mad mad universe says, “Yep! Yellow or white?” They had it the whole time.
Why does Whole Foods hide its deli counter American Cheese (which comes from a brand called Andrew & Everett, by the way, I just called to ask. And yes, that is the same brand that’s sold, pre-packaged in the dairy case. Shut up.) behind a four-chambered labyrinth of intrigue and artifice? Is it shame, snobbiness, or just a lack of counter space? Hard to say.
Conspiracy Seyth is certain it has something to do with that Fancy Cheese Counter across the aisle — you know, the one overflowing with delicious $32/pound Roquefort, $15 boxes of water crackers, and hubris? But I have no proof of anything.
After the fiasco at Whole Foods (I was gone for two hours and forgot spinach, bananas, blueberries, and turkey hot dogs for the baby), we had a lovely weekend. I grilled Molly some burgers with that supremely melty American cheese that, and nearly forgot the whole ordeal. Nearly…
