Ami

I salute you my queen, because all I am, the man you raised, all I hope, all I will be, I owe to you, my darling angel mother.

I’m truly sorry for all the pain I caused you, from the moment I was conceived and placed in your womb, my first home.

I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.

I’m sorry I didn’t love you as much as I could and should have.

I’m sorry I didn’t show you what you mean to me every goddamned second of my life.

I’m sorry for all the time I wasted.

I’m sorry for all the missed opportunities.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t call, forgot to call, didn’t want to call.

I’m sorry for all the anger.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t hug, kiss and hold you.

I’m sorry for every failure, every shortcoming, every claim you have against me before God.

I’m sorry for all the times I blamed you.

I’m sorry for all the awful things I ever said.

I’m sorry for being such a miserable sadsack.

I’m sorry I tried to kill myself, which would have killed you.

I’m sorry I didn’t see the goodness, light and bright side to life.

You are the goodness, light and bright side to life.

I’m sorry I didn’t get better fast enough.

I’m sorry it seemed I loved her more than I loved you.

I never loved anybody, and I will never love anybody, as much as I love you.

I’m sorry we watched your mother lose herself to dementia for a decade, helpless at her bedside, witnessing how edema ravages a delicate flower.

I’m sorry you lost Asghar Mamoo.

I’m sorry you lost Shams Mamoo.

I’m sorry you lost Naani.

I’m sorry you lost Naana.

I’m sorry you lost Chand Khaala.

I’m sorry you lost Shamim Aunty.

I’m sorry you lost Khaala Jaan.

I’m sorry you lost Danish.

I’m sorry you lost Hammad.

I’m sorry you lost three babies.

I’m sorry you lost everything so many times in America.

I’m sorry we had to move around twenty times.

I’m sorry you had to stay at the shelter.

I’m sorry you got sick.

I’m sorry you got sicker.

I’m sorry we got evicted.

I’m sorry we depended on the kindness of cruel strangers.

I’m sorry for the food stamps.

I’m sorry for the welfare.

I’m sorry for the roaches.

I’m sorry for the bedbugs.

I’m sorry for the mice.

I’m sorry for all the times people made faces and mocked our situation.

I’m sorry I never forgive.

I’m sorry I never forget.

I’m sorry I always remember names and faces.

I’m sorry for never planning.

I’m sorry for never listening.

I’m sorry for thinking I knew and know better.

I’m sorry Abu lost his job.

I’m sorry I was such a royal handful growing up.

I’m sorry I demanded so much.

I’m sorry I didn’t give more than I took.

I’m sorry I’m saying all of this only now.

I’m sorry I waited so long.

I’m sorry impatience and procrastination are my worst vices.

I’m sorry for all my problems.

I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through.

I’m sorry I curse. A lot.

I’m sorry I’m still angry.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect.

I’m sorry nobody knows your story, my story, our story.

I’m sorry I expected third parties to know the half.

I’m sorry I don’t care what people think anymore.

I’m sorry I’m so ambitious, hypercompetitive, and turned my passive aggression into massive aggression.

I’m sorry I’m such a dreamer.

I’m sorry I know the value of a dollar now, so late in the game.

I’m sorry nothing will ever be the same.

I’m sorry I think it’ll be way better.

I’m sorry I never saved anything for the swim back.

I’m sorry the ends justify the means to me these days.

I’m sorry I don’t smile as much as I can and should.

I’m sorry I don’t laugh as much as I can and should.

I’m sorry I don’t cry as much as I can and should.

I’m sorry I’ll never stop editing this post by adding more to it.

I’m sorry I’ll keep typing until my fingers bleed, until my hands lock, until my bones refuse, until my tendons snap, until my ligaments tear, until my muscles burn, then paint the world the truest scarlet with my love for you.

I’m sorry you’re such a private person, but the world will know your name and love you like I love you and honor you forever.

I’m sorry you’ll be more famous than me, because you don’t want that.

I’m sorry I can’t keep it inside, can’t keep secrets, can’t be anything but real.

I’m sorry for all the times I lied.

I’m sorry I’m being honest now.

I’m sorry I won’t ever hold back.

Nothing I can and will ever do will recompense you for even one contraction of labor, one tear you shed for my sake, one sleepless night, one sigh, one backache, one headache, one night you went hungry so I could eat, each nosebleed you nursed, each meal you cooked and each hot plate fixed, every hug, kiss, comfort, ease, prayer, each loving glance, kind word and all the love you have and always will give me.

None of us deserve our mothers’ love, but I am certainly the least deserving.

Perhaps that is why I am the most appreciative.

You are my heartbeat, and these tears are testament to that.

I hope and pray God accepts, blesses and compensates you with the best acceptance, blessing and compensation in this life and the next, has mercy on you now and forever from the encirclement of discord, the oppression of the insolent and grants you and I and our loved ones an unassailable refuge and impenetrable protection from every jealousy, hatred, evil, harm and injury until we come to a virtuous end, and are reunited in the best of reunions in the best of places in the hereafter. Amen.

That being said, please stick around for a hundred more years. I’ll make sure the robots do all the work, I’ll figure out the fountain of youth part, and I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Swear to God on everything. Promise.

I also promise not to climb Everest.

I also promise not to go skydiving.

I also promise not to get inked.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love you Ami.


Asked Ami what she wants for #MothersDay. She said she already has the best gift: her son survived suicide without losing his life like her brother did. Unplug, call, visit, hug, kiss, and hold your darling angel mothers. Happy Mother’s Day Medium family, especially all the mamas reading.

To those whose mothers are not with them today: I’m terribly sorry for your loss. May God reunite you with them in the best of reunions in the best of places in the hereafter. My own beloved late maternal grandmother raised me right alongside my own mother, so when I lost her, it felt like I lost my mother. I understand nothing can fill that void, but I hope these words (from justjennarose’s blog) help today and forever:

Today sucks, I know. It’s going to be hard. But so is every other day since you have lost your mother. There is absolutely no love in this world like the love of a mother. There is a void that cannot and will not ever be filled, no matter what anybody tells you. You don’t miss her today any more than you will tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. Today, Mother’s Day, is just another painful reminder that she is no longer physically here. As you watch friends celebrate with their moms, please remember that yours is tucked away deep down in your heart where she will forever stay. As the wind blows through your hair, know that it is her gentle and loving touch. As the warmth of the sun shines on your face please remember the warmth in your mother’s heart through all of the days she had on this earth. She didn’t want to ever leave you and she still hasn’t left you. Your mother was greater than this world. I know sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair and it never will but please, please don’t cry today, for your mother would want nothing more than to see you smile. I feel the pain within your heart as another day passes by without her. She doesn’t want you to be sad. She wants you to honor her life in the best way possible, and that way is to live it. Live it for you. Live it for her. I know it is sometimes easier said than done and sometimes words just don’t help — I have come to find that the best way to heal is to remember. Remember her. Remember the sorrow, remember the love, remember everything. Talk to her, she’s always listening. And simply cherish the time you did have with her and the memories you have made. Today is your day too. Celebrate her, start a new tradition, live life to the fullest, and most importantly remember that even through the darkest of days, life still goes on.


new selfie, same SF Ali

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