I’m just afraid of being alone in the end
Do you think there’s something wrong with me? Like you know those people you’re around whether it be at work or at school, and no matter what they do, you just don’t like them? Even if they did nothing wrong and you can’t pinpoint it, they irritate you. I think I’m that person.
So there’s this guy. A guy like no one I’ve ever met, hang on to that cliche. I met him at a super bizarre time in my life. But I’m kinda glad I did. We were instant best friends. He immediately was someone I felt confident spilling myself to. Everything he did was effortless. He very quickly became my other half and someone I found myself, disgustingly in love with. Everything with him was so much more. It was easy, and fun and he made me feel free for the first time in a long time. Like I was finally independent and like I was an actual human being.
Well now I’m having his baby. Major fairytale material I’d say. But it’s not. After finding out, we soon got an apartment together and celebrated the pregnancy as most people would. But with starting a family, starting a life, and not really knowing one another; I think it quickly drew us to the beginning of the end.
It’s been kind of a series of unfortunate events, if I’m being honest. And no, not because of him. But like one thing after another. We move in, my car shits out, legal fees pile up (no I’m not a criminal), I lost my very stable job and the bills began to drown us. And the resentment set in from there.
The guy in my life then took over and took care of me. Busting his back to make sure we’d be okay while I searched for a job. Which was wonderful, until it wasn’t. Finding a job has been so hard for me, between a ginormous employment gap and lack of skills, there haven’t been a whole lot options out there for me; especially pregnant.
The more costly bills got, the more frustrated he got, understandably. I mean, I’ve been frustrated too. I don’t like feeling useless and not being able to contribute. I’d pull all nighters just to find something that would take me. Nothing. Between my frustration with that, my feeling of burdening the man I adore, and these pregnancy hormones, you could only imagine my mood swings have been off the charts. Which can only mean, the fights had begun.
Now the man that once loved to provide and take care of me, resented me immensely. Everything became my fault. I became ungrateful. Stupid. A bitch. A slut. A piece of shit. I became disposable; someone that was demoted from best friend to baby momma. Someone of no use anymore. Someone merely carrying ‘his baby’.
All of that being said, he sounds terrible, right? But god he’s not. How frustrating is that. Have I learned nothing? How do I not up and walk away? I don’t know, truly. Because it’s hard to get angry, I just become heartbroken. A piece of me breaks every time he says something mean to me.
He doesn’t love me. I have enough understanding and experience to see that. Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that no matter what, you could never want to hurt the one you love. I know that because I’d take a bullet before I ever tried to hurt his feelings. When he hurts, I hurt. But even though I know he doesn’t love me, I love him. I love him so much.
