It’s time you knew the real me

A poem Devan Kingsford wrote for me, a poet from Denver, Colorado.

I think about dying a lot. Despite my best efforts, it always seems to come back into my mind. I’ve been this way for over a decade, but have never told anyone.

My life seems fine from the outside to many I’m sure: both parents still married, a good sister, college degree, never truly struggled for money (in an ‘eat or don’t eat’ type situation). But, I’m scared of life and everything it throws at me. I’ve had many suicidal moments in my life, contemplating mostly. But there have been moments where I thought it was the end on multiple occasions. Most people don’t know this, including my family, which scares me the most about writing this.

Let me say this: no one wants to be suicidal or depressed, that’s just not a thing. Do I wish it could just go away? Absolutely. But again, despite my best efforts, it keeps coming back. I don’t feel so much that I want to die, but I feel as though death wants me. It yearns for me, calls my name every so often. You know that phrase ‘go into the light’? Well, it’s like that but the most perverted version of that. Not that death is some sort of creep, I’m sure he’s a cool guy if you got to know him. (Disclaimer: try your best not to get to know him. Probably a bad idea in the long run.)

I don’t know if it’s just me, my generation, or just the world in general, but I feel like many people struggle with this. That also may just be my own conjecture, I don’t really know nor have I done much research into it. All I truly know is my own personal experience, and even that doesn’t make sense. By all accounts, I should be happy and full of life. I’m in my mid-twenties, healthy (for the most part, I don’t have some illness or anything, just a bad back), smart (I think), and funny (I think).

But, there’s a war going on in my mind. I feel as though I ascribe to tangible explanations: science, math, statistics, that’s how life makes sense to me. But then, my emotions grab me and take me on a rollercoaster (which I hate rollercoasters), throwing off my perception, flipping me around, and confusing me to every end. In my mind, my rationale would love to take over and help explain the situation while simultaneously searching for a solution. Problem is, emotions and logic don’t normally work well together. Logic is good though. Like, the rapper Logic. Seriously, go listen to Logic.

Whenever there’s a problem in my life, I’m dramatic. Maybe my emotions, so unused and unmoved, are trying to compensate by exploding with fervor. Tough times present me with the worst version of myself: hopeless, sadistic, negative, a ‘Debbie-Downer’ if you will. Whether it’s a lost sense of direction, betrayal, or heart break (which that’s usually the case), my mind and body go into a hyper-active state making me believe that the sky is crashing down and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Depression doesn’t mean every single thing is bad. I’ve already listed the constant positives in my life, and of course I have some friends that make me laugh and feel important, ten seasons of Friends that I’ve watched too many times, video games that keep me sane, and a feeling of responsibility to right injustice in the world. But depression is still there, lingering and creeping around the corner waiting to strike. It’s a battle with no clear end or moment of victory in sight(*cough* Afghanistan *cough*). To put it eloquently: it sucks.

I’m scared in life. I know everyone is to a degree, but I think mine is heightened. I know suicide is obviously the wrong choice, my rational mind says so. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. But that’s where my mind goes every time there’s a problem. I’ve been that way since I was 13, but no one has ever known. It’s frustrating and I don’t know how to get past it.

Let me stress this: I am not in immediate danger nor am I a threat to myself. I want to live a full life with happiness and love, but this world can really suck sometimes. It can leave you feeling helpless, unwanted, and unnecessary (like the Oxford commas I’ve been using).

That’s all. There’s no grand finish or resolution. This is just who I am. I know this may drive people away to know this, may make them uncomfortable, but that’s the scary truth. I don’t need someone to come to my rescue or anything like that. I’m still me as you’ve probably always known, just a little deeper now. If you’re feeling the same way or worse, seek help. PLEASE. The number for the suicide hotline, which is available 24/7, is 1–800–273–8255. A man named Kevin saved me once on that number. And yeah, that number is the name of Logic’s new song with Alessia Cara. Seriously go listen to it, it’s awesome.