A Very Serious Analysis of USA Men’s Basketball, Using Photos
Six members of the United States’ men’s basketball team — DeMarcus Cousins, Kevin Durant, Draymond Green, Kyle Lowry, Klay Thompson, and DeAndre Jordan — showed up to the Olympic Aquatics Stadium on Tuesday night to cheer on Team USA’s swimmers, including gold medal winners Katie Ledecky, Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, Townley Haas, and Conor Dwyer. After the events of the night unfolded, those same six USA men’s basketball players posed for pictures with the five USA swimmers I listed. USA Basketball then posted those pictures on Twitter with the caption, “Congrats @USASwimming on a golden night at #Rio2016 [emoji]! #USABMNT #SwimUnited [emoji] [emoji] [emoji] [emoji]”. You can see the tweet in its entirety here, and the pictures below.
Those are all things that happened Tuesday night, and I suspect most would say that those are all relatively unimportant things that happened Tuesday night. And yes, the acts themselves — attending a highly competitive swim meet, posing for pictures, and demonstrating competence using social media — are, in fact, unimportant; however, what those three actions combined to produce — pictures of half of the USA men’s basketball team hanging out in public — is extremely important because of what those pictures teach us about a) the players who attended the meet and b) the players who did not attend the meet.
Let’s break down what we learned about the twelve men our country sent to the death trap of Rio de Janiero so they could put on display the strength of our great nation by running around a sports rectangle and finding ever-more-creative ways to put a round ball in a basket against the resistance of grown men with allegiances to other countries.
Absent
Like I mentioned earlier, only half of the USA men’s basketball team attended Tuesday night’s swimming events — this is the other half. Just where were they, if not the Aquatic Center? And what did we learn about them from their whereabouts? (Editors note: no actual research was done on where these men actually were, or what their absence might imply.)
Carmelo Anthony, Forward — New York Knicks
Where he was: Sleeping.
What his whereabouts teach us: Much has been made about Carmelo’s status as the old, grumpy veteran on a young team filled with social media savants that love Vanessa Carlton, apparently. His absence Tuesday night confirms the one thing we’ve all been wondering: yes, Anthony does have a strict nine p.m. bedtime.
Harrison Barnes, Forward — Dallas Mavericks
Where he was: Probably alone in bed on the phone with Mark Cuban, the Dallas Mavericks owner.
What his whereabouts teach us: Barnes is pretty good at basketball. He’s won a NBA championship and started on one of the best teams in NBA regular season history. But he’s not that good, and he’s very clearly the worst player on Team USA. And he just got a max contract no one really thinks he deserves. And he took this picture with Mark Cuban, signaling a budding, devoted friendship. And his former teammates Draymond Green and Klay Thompson, the two players he should be closest with on Team USA, went to watch Ledecky and Phelps without him — which may or may not be related to Barnes disappearing during the NBA finals. What I’m trying to say is that Harrison Barnes wasn’t invited, and he didn’t want to go anyway because all he needs is Cuban.
DeMar DeRozan, Guard — Toronto Raptors
Where he was: Dunking on a mini hoop in his room.
What his whereabouts teach us: There are only three reasonable explanations for DeRozan’s absence.
1) Coach K grounded him for his continued insistence on dunking everything in international play, and more specifically for this attempt.
2) Kyle Lowry (who was in attendance Tuesday and plays for the same NBA team as DeRozan) and DeRozan are going through a lovers spat or just need some time apart. Maybe Lowry corrected DeRozan’s math skills again. Maybe DeRozan made a too-soon joke about Lowry’s weight loss. Maybe they’re just taking a break.
3) DeRozan is bored of beating everybody in the Olympics so badly and is planning a borderline inhumane dunk to try the next time someone steps in to take a charge on him — a project that has him so obsessed that he now refuses to see his friends or talk to his family.
I just hope Coach K didn’t ban him from trying 360 dunks.
Kyrie Irving, Guard — Cleveland Cavaliers
Where he was: Meeting with Jimmy Butler and Paul George.
Jimmy Butler, Guard — Chicago Bulls
Where he was: Meeting with Paul George and Kyrie Irving.
Paul George, Forward — Indiana Pacers
Where he was: Meeting with Kyrie Irving and Jimmy Butler.
What Kyrie Irving, Jimmy Butler, and Paul George’s whereabouts teach us: First of all, this three-way meeting was made possible only by the fact that Irving, Butler, and George all hate swimming. I don’t know why this is true, I just know that it is.
But what were they meeting about you might ask. Let me present you a few facts, and you can figure out the rest.
Irving is twenty-four and very good at basketball. Butler is twenty-six and very good at basketball. George is also twenty-six and very good at basketball.
Irving is a free-agent in 2020. Butler is also a free agent in 2020. George is a free agent in 2019, which isn’t 2020 but is still very close to 2020.
Irving plays with LeBron James, who is the best at basketball, but James is already thirty-one. Butler plays with Rajon Rondo and Dwyane Wade (at the same time, lol). George plays with… uh… I don’t actually know who George plays with. *quick Google search* Jeff Teague! Monta Ellis! MYLES TURNER!!!
Say hello to the NBA’s next big three, featuring an ancient LeBron James playing for the veteran’s minimum and a team-wide hatred of swimming.
Present
These are the six you saw in the pictures above. We know where they were, but what did we learn?
DeAndre Jordan, Center — Los Angeles Clippers
What those pictures teach us: Jordan is the first thing you notice in the second picture. Look at him! He’s crouching there with his hat tilted, flashing a classic Hollywood smile that looks brighter because it’s surrounded by his thick goatee. I didn’t know this until these pictures surfaced, but Jordan really likes people and happiness! He’s always so busy throwing down vicious dunks and viciously blocking shots and giving people vicious looks and missing a vicious amount of free throws that I just kind of assumed he was… vicious. But see how uncomfortable and out of place he looks in the first picture all the way in the back, out of the spotlight? DeAndre Jordan is your crazy, drunk-a-little-too-often uncle! DeAndre Jordan needs a movie role!
Klay Thompson, Guard — Golden State Warriors
What those pictures teach us: Thompson is your really weird, socially awkward friend who loves to party because drugs and alcohol give him a reasonable excuse to be really weird and socially awkward. He’s the friend that everybody loves because he’s a) extremely good at shooting and b) always doing absurd things in public and private (wearing nothing but sweat-shorts to the store, watching Wife Swap reruns) but doesn’t understand or care that he’s doing absurd things.
Look at that “haha bet you can’t guess whether I’m stoned right now or not” smile. Look at his remarkably stiff, confused poses. Notice how he’s on the edges of both pictures. Depending on what order the pictures were taken in, when did he get/lose that hat? How did he get/lose that hat? Which is funnier: Thompson inexplicably losing a hat, or Thompson inexplicably finding a hat?
Klay Thompson is hilarious.
DeMarcus Cousins, Center — Sacramento Kings
What those pictures teach us: Notice how similar Boogie’s facial expression is in both pictures. I’m now convinced that this is the only face he can make that doesn’t involve some kind of scowl. Boogie is hardened to all glimmers of hope and happiness in his life, a feeling that likely predates his hot sculpting class tweet on draft night and definitely has something to do with playing for the Kings for six years. Someone please save Boogie from Vivek.
Kyle Lowry, Guard — Toronto Raptors
What those pictures teach us: Lowry is weird, but in a different way than Thompson. He’s not eccentric and he doesn’t party hard. He’s quiet and nice, but he never knows quite the right thing to say. No one invited him to go watch swimming, but he texted DeAndre to see what everyone was up to and, come on, who can say no to Kyle?
Notice Lowry’s blank stare in those pictures, the stare of man just trying to survive one social interaction at a time. Observe how he blends into his surroundings like a human-shaped, world class athlete version of a chameleon. Be honest — did you notice Kyle Lowry was in those pictures at first glance?
Everybody likes Lowry, but nobody wants to be stuck alone with him once the rest of the crew goes home.
Draymond Green, Forward/DEATH LINEUP CENTER — Golden State Warriors
What those pictures teach us: Green, contrary to popular belief, is capable of appearing in a picture on social media without his penis also being visible.
Kevin Durant, Forward — Oklahoma City Thunder Golden State Warriors
What those pictures teach us: Durant likes to feud with the media and score with the cold-hearted efficiency of a Soviet mercenary. He’ll also assume his new role as the NBA’s lead villain this season after defecting for the team that erased Durant and the Thunder’s 3–1 lead in the Western Conference finals before botching the NBA finals to an inferior Cavs team.
But Durant also cried talking about his mother when he accepted his lone MVP award, which proves one thing: Durant is a sweetheart! He’s dressed like a suburban dad in those pictures, complete with dad shoes, a dad hat, and ankle socks (or maybe no socks at all, which would be better) and, by the way he has his arms around them, obviously made best friends with Ledecky, Haas, and Dwyer within minutes. Get used to Durant the supervillain, but just know: he’s ready to take charge at his kids’ PTO meetings.
This year’s Team USA is the coolest.
