Personal
Personal
Nov 6 · 5 min read

My boyfriend broke up with me.

He was the first person I fell in love with, who actually felt the same way for me. Or I’d like to believe so, that he felt the same.

Its important to mention Im a bisexual, to put more meaning into the words, “ Who actually felt the same way for me ”, because I have been fallong in love throughout my life. But never did I find a lover, who would love me back the same way, that I loved him. Why? Because I fell in love with my friends. And I did for them what a lover does for his lover, dwelve into the feel of the bond and engulf oneself in the relationship, just enjoying the company of the other person because I love the feel of it, and I always knew, they don’t feel the exact same way.

So, my boyfriend broke up with me. Its doesn’t sound that bad, that I had a breakup. Obviously breakups are bad and harsh. But what happened with me, was unforgivingly horrible. Even though I say it is unforgiving, I with a clear mind, conscience, heart and soul, have forgiven him for whatever happened between us.

So what happened was this..

When we were unofficially involved with each other, I thought there is an unsaid bond between us already. That it goes without saying that me and him, are together. Inbetween that, he told me that he went and had sex with another man. I was shattered, but naively thought to myself, I never told him that you were mine and I yours, and neither did he tell me that, so its not fine for me to get pissed at him.

And I didn’t get pissed, I just felt sad, very sad. I called him up and talked to him, and told him again and again before every sentence, that I’m not complaining about whatever it is that you did, I’m just letting you know how I felt about it. And that there is no fault of yours in this, but I’m just telling you because I felt this strong emotion for you.

Thus began the chapter of me and him dating. Now that he found out I am madly possessive about him aswell, and am almost in love with him.

Was he almost in love with me back then or not too, I don’t know.

Finally the day came when he told me he loves me, and I told him I loved him too.

Everything was going fine in our relationshop. We had insecurities but we always used to communicate and make it through with them.

Now comes the first unforgiving part. Yes, the first of two…

I hadnt done anything wrong and everything was going smoothly, and I find out that he cheated on me. He had sex with another man. If that wasnt enough, while we were in my car once he revealed it to me, he told me it was the same man he had sex with before. And he said that to my face furiously. He said he did it on purpose because he wanted to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me because I had hurt him before. Then he told me that apparently he liked me alot, or as he says, loved me, back when we just started talking, and I had started dating another man. For me, back then, we were just friends. Just acquaintances who barely knew each other enough to start towards a relationship, let alone fall in love.

He screamed at my face,” I wanted you to get hurt and feel what I felt, it makes me feel good that you got hurt the way I did”.

I told him, I never knew you liked(/loved as he says and I dont believe him for it) me and I didnt cheat on you.

How does what happened in the past, equal to now. I told him,” We both love each other, don’t we? Then how can you go on and have sex with another man? And on top of that youre telling me, you did it with the same guy Im so insecure you being friends with, because you wanted to hurt me? How does one deliberately hurting the other in such a torcherous way equal to me unknowingly hurting you?”.

He had no answer, and kept on saying, I just wanted you to feel what I felt. And after sometime, he grew silent. I didnt lash out at him, I was just reasoning with him and, foolishly, making him understand that what he did, doesnt equal what I accidentally did. And I even apologized right then, that if that happened, that you got hurt, I am really sorry and I wish I had never done that since it hurt you. But he sat there in the silence and dark of the night, unwilling to feel an ounce of guilt for what he had done. And I remained calm and just tried to reason with him, tried to find a solution and move on with this. But he sat there, in silence, now, unwilling to utter a single word.

We in his colony, near his street. I said to him, okay I think I must go now. I got out of my car, he did too. I walked towards him, and gave him a hug. He coldly just stood there, silent. A frown on his face with a disgusted look, as if I had been a torment.

On my way back to my house, which was a drive of 45 mins. What happened started to sink inside of me. The gravity of him cheating on me, made me question did he ever love me.

“Mobile buzzes”.

I look at my mobile and texts have started to appear on it. He started messaging me about how guilty now he feels for what he did, and for what he made me feel.

I don’t buzz him off, I found it sweet and sour, that he has realized and is in guilt, but Im in pain also because of him. I didnt think I could love him again. I told him Im sorry. Youd expect that I said sorry I cant do this anymore. But I said sorry that I made you feel that way, which made you act out like this. I wasnt all roses, I did tell him again how hurt I was and that I never think Im going to recover from this ever, but by the end of the night. We had succeeded in atleast coming to this conclusion in our own heads, that this is not yet over.

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    Trying to find myself.