The Virtues of Wandering

Shaakira was here!

I’ve started about 15 ‘first blog posts’ in the past 5 years. It’s mostly because I have many ideas and tend to follow my wandering thoughts, even while writing. It is also very possible for me to be passionate about something- like making a chocolate peanut butter cheesecake, creating a curriculum for a creative arts class, or writing a blog post, for a solid hour before the next love of my life appears in front of my eyes and demands my full attention. These traits are quintessentially wanderistic! (It’s my blog and I think I have the right to make up words!) Anyway it can all get tiring, and overwhelming, that is, when I don’t channel my efforts efficiently.

My wanders (both physical and mental) have cultivated in me the ability to let go easily. Move on swiftly- leaving behind unfinished projects, underdeveloped thoughts and so many great people. This has affected my own production habits, my ability to flake or “brown” (Ghana English) so easily, and oh wait, the more emotional toll, my approach to relationships. I sometimes catch myself evaluating even the most basic efforts I try to put forth: why invest so much in something if I’ll only be there for a year or two? Is this really what I want to do? Do I have the resources to follow through? Am I good enough? Maybe I’ll focus on that later… My expectations to move on and remain in ‘nomad mode’ perpetuate my inability to commit.

To be fare to myself, I was nurtured as a wanderer. Concerning my education alone, I attended 9 different schools in multiple cities before graduating from high school. Those familiar with my travels know I hopped around a lot while in College. This all makes my unstable lifestyle of traveling all too familiar and somewhat comforting. Now, I have the desire to find something permanent. I want something consistent besides change.

I was taught that this life is like a rest stop on a journey. My own reasoning tells me that this may not be the only rest stop, and that if this is a journey, then I should have a lot to look forward to! By acknowledging the finite, we become less attached to material things and can relate our daily actions/reactions to a greater goal or cause. I can’t get mad if I don’t find Activia yogurt at this rest stop (or in Ghana- wtf?!?!) because I know I can get it later. By keeping my eyes on the prize and the goal in mind, I will find peace. “The prize” You ask? It’s not filling up my gas tank, it is returning home. Finding peace everywhere and the ability to love unconditionally. In Islam, we call it Jennah. As for now, we are all here on this earth wandering on our own journeys that will inevitably lead us home.

Maya Angelou on home in Letters to my Daughter- “We may act sophisticated and worldly but I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we really do.”

Alhamdulilah! I thought I was the only one who felt like a stranger even in the most familiar of places. Home is a state of mind. Say whaaaaa. I’ve been searching for a home, but sometimes with expectations that can be detrimental. It’s very difficult for me to put 100% into what I do and it is not because I put 1% into 100 projects. I guess I’ve been waiting to find home, a physical place where I can be 100% vulnerable. But that place can only be found with mindfulness. It’s difficult for me to put 100% into efforts that I’m not comfortable with because I’ve just always had this strange fear of failure. As most humans I guess. But fear is nothing but a state of mind. It isn’t a verb like love. Dipping my big toe into the ocean is nothing like swimming in its depths and discovering the hidden jewels of life that wander the waters in colossal and microscopic species. I allowed my fear to prevent me from trying- so in the end, I defeated my own self before getting the chance to put my fins up.

Why am I so scared to put my fins up? Why do I limit myself from trusting? Why can’t I find home in every destination? Why don’t I let my neighbors know that I am here? How dare I not share my light or allow others to see their reflection! Why do I forget to trust myself? I should trust, the same way my lungs trust the oxygen it takes in. Forgetting to trust is forgetting that I am not alone. As far as the mindful Shaakira is concerned, its always ‘we’, because the Creator is always with me. When I forget, I allow the mind to do what it does best- but that’s another post for another day and forgetfulness is truly a virtue of wandering… anyway moving along has always been the excuse I give myself. Focusing on where I’m going next instead of what I’ll leave behind is truly a toxic default I fall into as a wanderer in this day and age! Deadlines, limits, fear, notions of success, and this industrialized structure that we impose on life are all creations of the imagination that attempt to block us from taking the unique and organic path of our individualized journeys. We forget that we can create things that last forever, energy is never wasted.

As a wanderer, I want future souls and current ones to feel my presence. And know that I was here.

I can’t hide behind my wandering. Essentially, we all are wanderers. I happen to roam the man made boarders, the beautiful oceans, mountains, cultures, markets, hoods and streets of the world. But at the end of the day, every wanderer leaves her mark- inshaAllah more than a biological footprint.