Where’s the silver lining in my lonely holiday?
Tonight there is much more activity than on a regular Tuesday night. There are fireworks going off, music playing, families laughing and playing. It’s the sound of community, the sound of family, the sound of celebration that lingers in the air. I can’t help but hear…“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me…”
Have you ever been alone on a holiday?
Everyone is spending time with their families…and you are alone. That’s me today; partly by circumstance, partly by choice. The interesting thing is I didn’t expect to feel a pang of loneliness. I find myself wishing my parents were here, or that I wasn’t single. This leads me to wonder why, because normally I am content to be in the phase of life I am in. Being single and independent allows me a freedom to grow that I desperately need to become the woman I want to be.
I mean, this seems to be a universal theme, right? Think of couples who get together just before the holidays, just to breakup right after the season passes. So why do we end up in these moments feeling nostalgic and for lack of a better word, sad? This is my theory:
I have come to have a deep appreciation for celebration recently; celebrating life, creating memories, creating traditions. One of the reasons I wanted to come of age desperately was because I wanted the freedom to not only make my own choices, but also to create my own traditions and family life. Being first generation American, I have the privilege of growing up with two different cultures and now, learning how to blend them into my life. My sadness stems from the lack of celebration that I now see as a vital part of my life. It feels like a void in my life, because it is as important to me as eating healthy and exercising. It is a part of my culture, and for once, on this holiday (July 4th) I know for sure that I want to be celebrating like everyone else. Aka we feel lonelier on holidays than on any other day of the year because we are reminded that we want something that in this moment, we are lacking.
So where is my silver lining? Because there is one…I know it. Sometimes you just have to look a little closer to see it. My silver lining is this: Now that I know what I want, and I have decided that I will have it, it is only a matter of time before I (and God) create it.
That may not seem very optimistic, taking into account the fact that I will need a whole bucket of patience, faith, trust, and hard work… of which blood, sweat and tears may or may not be involved, but bear with me here. The silver lining is in the freedom and the ability to create something completely new, and tailored to me and my future family. The one that I will build with someone very special. That is what is amazing about living as a free person, and about living in a country where blended cultures are the norm.
I’m still feeling a little nostalgic, missing my mommy and daddy, wondering where in the world my future love is…but I am going to be okay. I have found my silver lining, and that is enough for me…for now.
You’ll have to excuse me now, I am going to eat a chocolate popsicle. (Wait there’s a connection between food cravings, emotions, and connection…NO WAYYYYYY ;))
P.S. Yesterday after I wrote this, my little cousin asked me to go see fireworks with her. It wasn’t quite what either of us wanted, but it was nice to celebrate together. I have faith we will get what we want…in time.
Happy (Bleated) 4th