Bend the Knee (GoT Season 8 Predictions)

We’ve had seven long years to figure who’ll finally sit on the Iron Throne, but I think we have enough clues to go on now. My Season 8 predictions:

Danerys, with help from Maester Aemon Targaryen, grows a third eye, proving herself to be the three-eyed dragon. Being able to warg backwards and forwards in time, Khaleesi realizes that Tywin is actually the bastard son of Margaery and the Prince of Flowers, instantly invalidating the entire Lannister claim to power. Yassss Queen! In an impudent fit of rage, 13-yr-old Trump surrogate Joffrey bends the knee to Brienne “I’m no Lady” of Tarth.

This turn of events throws an already-shaky family dynasty into chaos, but when Mellisandre’s leeches reveal that the true secret of her 800 accumulated years is Oil of Olay, it sets into motion a chain of events that ends with Bronn teaching an armless and legless Sandor Clegane how to fight The Mountain in exchange for three bars of gold-pressed Latinum. The battle ends with The Hound’s eyeballs popped out, but it’s barely noticeable. Looking hot in his Spring Collection kilt, and with Longclaw quivering at his side, Jorah Mormont bends the knee to Sansa.

Greyworm refuses to bend the knee to Barratheon heir Gendry, who forges a lovely homespun napkin holder of Valyrian steel for Khal Drogo. Offended by its folksy charm, the Dothraki powerhouse tosses dire wolf Nymeria through the Moon Door while11-year-old Robin suckles merrily. “Make him fly!”

Delighting environmentalists, Tyrion bends a knee to the Children of the Forest (who, remember, created an army of un-dead humans to protect nature from living humans, oopsies!). Stannis declares for House Uruguay.

Bran sends a raven from The Wall to Winterfell, imploring Samwell to ban drilling in the Arctic, even if it is for dragon glass. Samwell responds with a Maker Faire-style Instructable on how to peel layers of highly-infectious greyscale from a girl who claims to be No One. Anti-vaxxers go ape-shit. Viserys, standing tall in his molten crown, refuses to bend the knee to Yara, who can’t figure out whether to put Theon’s favorite toy on the mantle or to just throw it out (it does not bring her joy).

Back at King’s Landing, wildling Tormund now sits on The Board of the Iron Bank, which is preparing to collect their debts. Little (finger) do they know, Lord Baelish prepares a battalion of flaming boars to meet Walder Frey at the Red-Scare Wedding. In a surprise twist, Ramsay Bolton bends the knee to young bear Lyana Mormont. Davos Seaworth loses four fingers at the knuckle in exchange for his treason.

Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder enjoys snowboarding, BBQ (not too spicy!) and walks on the beach, but *will not* bend the knee to The High Sparrow, though he begrudgingly admits the zealot is onto something.

Surprising no one, and much to the dismay of Jon Snow, The Knight King bends the knee to Ygritte, who has finally thrown her mink shawl in with The Drowned God. Wielding Oathbreaker just for the surrealist twist, Snow tries to intervene but is frozen out by yet another Ethical Dilemma. Cute buns though! Arya swaps faces with Olenna Tyrell. With inspiration from Milk of the Poppy and a little help from the Lord of Light, she employs cherished Needle to sew Cersei’s mouth shut. Shame! Shame!

Hagrid accidentally blows up his own hut in a chartreuse blaze of Wildfyre, destroying The Enterprise. The Iron Throne sits empty, as snowflakes drift through a hole in the wall. There are no more knees left to bend. The wheel is broken.