Closed. The word that defines my feelings. I have shut down. I have chosen to ignore what I feel and be numb. I long for that feeling to not feel at all. Seems like every time I get close to high, I fall and sink deeper and deeper into this hole. Will I ever be okay? Can I ever just be fine and mean it? The only way to really do that is to be completely absent from people. No one gets in. No one knows. That way you don’t falsely think you can rely on someone just to be let down. It’s happened again and again. Will I ever learn? You would think that I had learned my lesson by now. Just a gluten for punishment I guess. Or maybe I’m so used to being the punching bag that being anything different just seems impossible to me. Change would be wonderful. But even when I change my mind and tell myself, “no more” it always happens. So, why try anymore? I see no point in trying. So I will remain closed.