I am stepping out of Google and into the darkness. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ve never had more conviction about anything in my life.
Here is the departure note I sent the organization(fuller version of post) along with a couple thoughts at the end:
It is with bittersweet sentiment that I share this news - I am planning to leave Google on April 9th. I know there may be questions about why and where I’m headed, so I’ll share some context and I’m also happy to connect if you have questions.
As many of you know, I’ve been on an incredible journey of self discovery and self awareness that began by looking at my emotions and sensations.
I began to see the emotional-behavioral patterns, the traumas that caused my fears and insecurities, the reason I spent most of my life chasing the grade, the extrinsic validation to which I became so dependent on. So much so that
my self worth was always defined by my work, compromising connection to self & others to attain that which I thought was the path to happiness, all I’d been brought up and conditioned to believe.
Yet achievement after achievement which I was so fortunate to attain was only fleetingly satisfying, before the self critics were asking about the next accomplishment.
As I healed the fears & insecurities, the traumas of my past, the clouds began to clear, the internal voices faded and I became more whole - with increasing clarity of what to do in each moment.
The more I honored what arose -whether it was anger, sadness or fear, the more growth & light I experienced on the other side of every triggering experience or trauma.
At the end of every round, I experienced the void, the emptiness that I learned to hold space for.And every time I did that, I got a flood of insights, release of the trauma from my system, and then I would jump to the next level of the Mario Bros game, ready for the next challenge. I started to feel like someone that could jump off the cliff without a bungee cord because I knew I could come back to myself.
All the things I chased my whole life I discovered - love, connection, belonging, resilience, productivity, wellbeing.
Business impact grew dramatically when I was able to tap into the deep intelligence of the subconscious, of the body, and I began to see all relationships & experiences as reflections, something I needed to see, heal, learn from. I stopped having to predict and control everything with my conscious mind, and I could live more in the present, sense & respond, tuning into the increasing signals and clarity that was developing within.
I was filled with gratitude and awe of the beauty of the journey I was on, often only clear to my conscious mind in the rearview mirror. My fear began to melt away and I started to say & do bolder things, to allow my and others’ voices to be heard, and to follow my heart.
I didn’t know what was around the corner - trauma or drama, but what I did know with 100% certainty is that it was perfectly designed for my evolutionary growth.
So life started to become an unfolding mystery, and adventure, where I was learning to surf larger and larger waves, tsunamis.
The tsunamis continued to arise, and a few months ago I started to see myself as the mouse on the hamster wheel, running in circles, repeating storylines of the past, chasing a meaningless outcome that had nothing to do with true happiness.
I realized that what makes my life worth living is not in this chase anymore.
And the voice within has reached a crescendo, asking me to let go of the remaining attachment to the extrinsic validation - to step away from Google- the title, salary & brand I’ve always aspired to, and defined myself by. I am at a crossroads, where I can step over this threshold by conscious choice if I can find the courage. To step into a world that is full of limitless potential, inviting me to explore life outside the prison of my own making.
I’ve never stepped away from the workforce. I’ve never taken a break since I began elementary school. Every move was due to acquisition or shutdown and every move planned before I left any prior one.
So leaving this job at this time makes no sense to my rational left brain, my family, my conditioning.
And I’ve always been a people pleaser, so this is definitely way out of past character.
But the thought kept arising - Do I have the courage to follow my heart, honor my voice, lead by example? Can I practice what I preach?
If I’m the scientist I claim to be, then I should run experiments to test this hypothesis, and if/when they fail, I can reform my hypothesis, dust myself off, and re-run a new set of experiments. So I’m going to think of this next step as an experiment in my quest for the truth, as every good scientist seeks. If I really want to grow, failure is a necessary part of the process.
How much am I willing to fail to follow my heart?
It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ve never felt more conviction about anything in my life.
My heart and my spirit soar at the thought of what I’m about to do. It feels less like a choice and more like a calling.
I plan to step into emptiness, the void, the darkness.
I will start by going to a 10 day silent retreat (Vipassana) on April 10th. I have consciously made no plans for what happens after that. There is a part of me that is definitely scared. Terrified even. But there is a much bigger and growing part of me that is filled with so much joy, awe, wonder. It feels gloriously freeing.
And I know I will have strong emotions that I will need to honor and process. But I can’t wait to see what growth and light emerges on the other side of this shadow. If my experience is any indicator, it will blow my conscious mind…
You have been a very large part of my learning, my growth, my sense of belonging, and my becoming. I know how much of yourselves you give, what a toll this place and this time is taking, so it is that thought that gives me pause. I will miss you greatly and you will always have a place in my heart.
I am not going far - and I’m here if you should need me, but you are incredibly talented beings with so much to give - and I have no doubt you will continue to blossom, discover & share your gifts here and in the world.
I hope to stay connected and to cross paths again, and I’ll be cheering you on from wherever I am. I don’t believe in farewells or goodbyes so…
until we meet again,
shalini
ps - If you’d like to stay connected, find me on linked in or email me at shal.verm@gmail.com
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I’m struck by two things that I’ll end with. Last week I realized there is a solar eclipse on April 8th. When I looked up the meaning of solar eclipses yesterday, I found:
“ The April 8 2024 total solar eclipse can set you on a new path that you hadn’t imagined for yourself. The moon, Sun and Chiron are all lining up in Aries, the sign of the warrior and transcendent leader.”
“In the realm of spirituality and shamanic practices, solar eclipses hold profound significance as portals of transformation and renewal.” How deliciously fitting.
And lastly, the signature of my work email for the last year has been the following which feels more resonant than ever..
"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus
Here I go…