Stuck on the B train

It is 5:24 pm. 146 people are in the third car of the B line subway, which has not moved for eight minutes. Frank is stuck in the thick of it. These are his thoughts.

Jesus Christ it’s hot in here

I think my underwear has just become a part of me

Why is this dude looking at me?

Why is this guy staring at me and making direct eye contact, what the hell is going on?

I’m gonna rip those headphones out if he doesn’t lower the music soon

Are you seriously texting that to your wife?

I wonder what those tattoos looked like before the surgery?

If I ever see that Cuomo fuck I’ll give him a piece of this.

I wonder if that woman with the big bottle of water will share or am I going to have to kill her first? If it comes to that Hunger Games type of shit. I’d win that.

How many hours of battery life do I have left if were’ going to get stuck here for a while?

I think if I go on airplane mode I can preserve it.

44% isn’t bad.

Barring anything really out of the ordinary happening, that should be enough.

But wait, haven’t like three or four trains fucking de-railed in the last week? Who knows what’s going on.


Fuck this Cuomo guy.

I knew I shouldn’t have played Tinder for so long, that shit kills the battery.


What the fuck is that smell?

Is he actually eating? Is he eating garbage? What the hell is that? Am I going to throw up from gagging?

Oh fuck I hope I don’t throw up.

If we got stuck here forever and the rest of the world dies, who would I want to fuck first?

Who would want to fuck me first?

What if nobody did?

Am I going to be someone’s bitch?

Fuck. I am definitely going to be someone’s bitch.

I really hope the world doesn’t end and this subway car has the only survivors.

I wonder if that guy with the side curls is hot in all those layers? I’m sweating and I’m wearing a tank top.

If I don’t see a bathroom soon I am going to pee on this man’s leg. I know I’m an adult and all grownsed up, but if I don’t get off this fucking thing soon there might be an explosion of urine from me. It’s going to be so messy and weird I really hope I don’t pee myself here.

I don’t want to pee myself anywhere but this would be especially bad.

I wonder if anyone on this subway peed while we were stopped?

How many people a day pee on the subway?

How many people secrete semen, either by themselves or with the help of a friend while on the subway? No way more than five right? Five out of a few million isn’t too bad.

That’s an okay book.

How are you even watching tv on that thing? How is that enjoyable? Keeping the screens so close to your head can’t be good for you but you also look like an idiot.

I have to fart.

I hope it’s just a fart.

Oh man what if it isn’t a fart?

I’ll let it out slowly, so I can tell.

Bad idea!

Oh man.




I wonder if this will be on my gravestone. Shat Himself on the Subway.


I can do this.

Fuck fuck fuck no I can’t.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Do that breathing thing.



I wonder what Sara from third grade is up to?



This isn’t helping I am going to explode.

What? Can’t they invest in PA systems that don’t sound garbled like a fax machine noise?

Moving shortly my ass. You guys said that 6 minutes ago.



Do I make eye contact as I’m violating their personal space or should I look down embarrassed?

Oh thank fucking Christ we’re moving.


I definitely need to change my underwear when I get home.