Have You Ever Felt Compared to Others?
Have you ever experienced being compared to your siblings, cousins, neighbours, or even life partners? Comments like, “She does her homework on her own and finishes everything on time,” or “Sharon and Nidhi never fight,” might sound familiar. You might have also heard, “Karan’s wife paints their house and does the gardening; she is very hardworking,” or “Look at their car; they definitely have a second income.”
My Childhood Experience with Comparisons
Growing up, my mother often compared me, or said things like, “Once you become a mother, you will understand why I say all this.” These comparisons made me feel like I could never measure up. I remember wanting to go to the playground with my friends, but my mother would say, “You can’t go to that playground and play, that’s too far.” If I complained about being treated differently from my brother or pointed out her mistakes, she’d respond with comparisons: “He did well, so he earned that,” or reprimands like, “Don’t talk to me that way,” and, “Oh, you’re back-talking now? I’ll let your dad know how you behaved.”
These experiences left me doubting my own perceptions and feeling misunderstood. For example, if I mentioned that a curry tasted off or it doesn’t taste like it supposed to be, my mom would counter, “No, that’s impossible. I cooked this today morning; it can’t be spoiled!” or “You never like what I cook.” If I commented, “That movie was not interesting,” her response would be, “Yes, it was; it was educational. See, your brother is not complaining.” Such dismissals of my feelings and opinions escalated during my teenage years, turning every conversation into an argument and fostering resentment towards my mom.
I remember a particularly vivid instance when I said, “I don’t like the taste of this curry; I think it’s spoiled,” and she responded, “You’re just being picky. Your brother ate it without complaints. Why can’t you be more like him?” These words cut deep, making me feel inadequate and silenced.
Although I no longer harbor these feelings, these experiences shaped my resolve to change things when I became a mother. I vowed to foster an environment where my child would feel heard and valued, unlike my own upbringing where the mental and emotional aspects were often neglected despite a lavish lifestyle. These early experiences taught me the importance of emotional support and understanding in parenting, guiding me to become a more empathetic and attentive mother.
Determined to Change as a Mother
Despite not having a harsh or dysfunctional household, the mental and emotional upbringing was lacking. My parents provided a better lifestyle than they had but overlooked the importance of mental and emotional factors. As a mother, I tried to put myself in my mom’s shoes but wasn’t sure where to start. For the past two years, I’ve tried to listen and understand what my daughter is feeling and experiencing. When I did, I noticed changes not only in her but in my husband too. Using simple phrases and listening actively seemed to work initially, but recently, I found myself snapping over small things. I’ve come to accept that we have different sets of feelings, and I won’t always be able to understand how she feels. My reactions are normal and not unusual.
Some psychological Insights and Practical Advice
Now that my daughter has just turned two, I strive to be accepting, though I sometimes get anxious or furious when people don’t listen. I’m proud of myself for being able to understand my daughter’s needs, especially providing her with emotional support, which is often hard to identify and address without hurting her feelings. With this blog, I want to educate others on common mistakes we make by not listening and how to communicate better.
There is a significant gap between listening and hearing, which affects how we feel, behave, and accept our own and others’ feelings. Do your conversations with your child, parents, or partner often turn into arguments? Have you ever felt, “I wish they could understand what I am going through,” or “Why can’t they just listen to what I am saying?”
Steps to Better Listening and Emotional Support
1. Give Your Full Attention
Example:
- Full Attention: When your child talks about their day at school, put aside distractions like your phone, make eye contact, and listen attentively.
- Open-ended question: “What was the best part of your day?”
- Alternative: If your partner is sharing a stressful experience, turn off the TV, face them, and show you are fully engaged.
- Open-ended question: “How did that make you feel?”
How these steps help:
- Self-Help: By giving full attention, the person feels valued and heard, which can boost their self-esteem and encourage open communication.
- Alternative: Active listening techniques like nodding and summarizing what the person has said can also demonstrate engagement.
2. Acknowledge Emotions
Example:
- Acknowledge Feelings: When your friend expresses frustration about their job, respond with “I see, that sounds really tough,” and invite them to share more.
- Open-ended question: “Can you tell me more about what’s been bothering you at work?”
- Alternative: If your sibling talks about feeling overwhelmed, simply say “Hmm, that sounds hard,” and encourage further discussion.
- Open-ended question: “What’s been the most challenging part for you?”
How these steps help:
- Self-Help: Acknowledging feelings without judgment allows the person to explore their emotions and come up with their own solutions.
- Alternative: Reflective listening, where you repeat back what the person has said in your own words, can also validate their feelings.
3. Identify the Emotion
Example:
- Name the Feeling: If your child is crying because their toy broke, say “You seem really sad about your toy breaking.”
- Open-ended question: “What can we do to make you feel better?”
- Alternative: When your colleague seems stressed, you can say, “It looks like you’re feeling really anxious about the deadline.”
- Open-ended question: “Is there anything specific that’s causing this anxiety?”
How these steps help:
- Self-Help: Identifying emotions helps people feel understood and can provide relief by acknowledging their inner experience.
- Alternative: Encouraging people to label their own emotions can also be effective, such as asking, “How are you feeling right now?”
4. Validate Desires Through Imagination
Example:
- Offer Wishes in Fantasy: When your child wishes they could have ice cream for dinner, you might say, “Wouldn’t it be fun if we could have ice cream for dinner every night?”
- Open-ended question: “What other fun things would you like to do?”
- Alternative: If a friend wishes they didn’t have to work tomorrow, you could respond with, “Imagine if we could just skip work and have a day at the beach instead.”
- Open-ended question: “What would your perfect day look like?”
How these steps help:
- Self-Help: Offering wishes in fantasy allows people to express their desires and feel understood without the need for logical explanations.
- Alternative: Encouraging creative thinking about how they can incorporate enjoyable activities into their routine can also be beneficial.
Call to Action
The most important thing along with these steps is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then our words may seem phony or manipulative. Words infused with empathy speak directly to the heart. It takes practice to understand what someone might be feeling, but it’s crucial to provide the vocabulary for their experiences so they can begin to help themselves. Let’s strive to be more empathetic listeners and support each other emotionally. Start today by practicing these techniques with your loved ones and notice the positive changes in your relationships.
Overall Reflection and follow up
- Do you think these steps could help individuals feel more supported and understood? Why or why not?
- What alternative methods might you suggest to achieve similar outcomes?