Nuclear War Beauty Basics
HeY GUYS!
If you’re reading this then YAY! The bunker wifi I set up is working! I’m Mackenzie and before Donald Trump and North Korea entered a nuclear pissing contest and bombed out half the world, I was a beauty influencer/vlogger/beauty insider under the handle @ReturnToTheMAC.
Sharing beauty tips and tricks is my life PASSION. Since the nuclear collapse, SuRvIvOrS have been incredible at turning their skills into something useful in this post-apocalyptic warzone. In my bunker, a former engineer is busy reinforcing our home and tunneling to find other survivors. A teen lifeguard performed invasive surgery on the camp doctor while he was conscious and leading her through the procedure. With such inspiring acts of heroism, I decided to use my special talents to help you, my FANS.
I first tried to upload one of my regular vlog’s but it takes at least 18 hours to upload one tweet. You don’t even want to KNOW how long it took for me to watch season three of The Office. It was worth it though because Jim asked Pam out!! I did not see that coming!
Thats how I got here WRITING WORDS for people to READ like it’s 1998. Thank God the 90’s are so in right now. You’re probably wondering how can I craft a beauty routine when nuclear warheads vaporized any and all Sephora’s? How do you get the perfect lash line when your mirror is just a shard of ceiling tile you’ve covered in tin foil? How can I repurpose boring survival supplies into beauty products at the caliber of Anastasia Beverly Hills? The answer: DIY baby. I’ve developed a few beauty basics that you can make out of items found in your local bunker.
CONCEALER:
Zits, dark circles, nuclear-induced lesions- bunker life is harsh on your skin. That’s where my homemade concealer comes in! Combine 1 tablespoon of your government issued protein gel and lemon pepper seasoning. Mix until thick and then add as much ground dirt as your skin tone needs. The low lamp light of the bunker helps with any blending issues you may face.
BLUSH:
If you’re in an area with red clay, you’ve got blush built into your bunker walls! Lucky you! If you aren’t so lucky, try and sneak out some iodine from the medic kit. It might be difficult because people get really butt-hurt when you use iodine for your face and not for wounds and water or whatever. For blending, you can use insulation as a beauty blender- it’s porous AND millennial pink!
TINTED MOISTURIZER
I don’t know about you, but my main concern in bunker life is how dull I look. The vegetable supplements here completely dry out my skin and I tried to stop taking them but my mom said they’re “vital for my existence”. BLECH. This dryness had made my DIY tinted moisturizer a must-have product. Take your weekly allotment of freeze-dried mayonnaise and stitch it into the lining of your sleeping bag. Your body’s natural heat will unfreeze the mayonnaise and you won’t get yelled at for using too much propane! Combine the mayonnaise with crunched up cockroaches that you can find infesting every crevice. Crunch as many you need for your skin tone- they might have survived the nuclear fallout, but they’ll be making the ultimate sacrifice for your skincare!
MASCARA:
Head to your bunker’s energy corner and fill a small tube with motor oil. Combine with water and use your toothbrush as a wand!! Packaging is always so important when it comes to a product- that’s why I store mine inside a three repurposed penicillin vials!! I dumped the medicine on the floor, filled the vial with my mascara and decorated it with a sharpie! DIY!
HIGHLIGHTER:
Highlighter is the ultimate of ultimate beauty trends right now. To achieve your ultimate dewy dreams, chisel off the nuclear crystals that form at the base of your bunker doors and rub them against any granite slate. Then take that sweet crystal powder and mix it with half a cup of mixed baby formula. Those babies don’t need shine as much as you!
Ugh I’ve gtg. Ted is yelling that he needs to use the computer to “send an emergency signal” or something. If you like this post, make sure to hit subscribe or write in the comments!
