hard fought victories
I’ve shared with many people in personal conversations, sermons, and counseling sessions my battle with depression some years ago. I was 22. College was over, and I had just started graduate school. On paper, everything was as it should be. I had successfully completed college magna cum laude, had been accepted into one of the top seminaries in the country, and was leading a youth ministry at my local church. But, off paper, in real life, the story was quite different. I battled for months with depression. I can’t explain the cause, and I can’t identify the day it began. All I know is that depression was very real and very paralyzing. During that time, I believed sleep to be my best medicine. I reasoned that the more I slept, the less I had to think. That medicine only lasted for a short time before the symptoms came rushing back the next day. To say it was difficult would be the biggest of understatements. I was weary and worn out from the daily battle, while still trying to juggle my church work, school work, and personal life. Overwhelmed. Trying to force a smile. Trying to find Shane.
I say all this for two reasons. First, I want to shed light on the all too often misunderstood reality of depression. It is real, and if you have never dealt with it, chances are that someone you know has or is dealing with it today. Second, I want to offer hope. In no way would I discredit the work of psychiatrists and mental health treatment. There is value to it. However, for the purposes of this note and in the context of my story, I point you to Jesus. I am a man of deep faith, and despite that faith growing dim during that time, it was and is the sustaining force of my life. Prayer, people of faith, and Scripture saved my life. When we talk about the power of God, it is not a mystical or magical force that makes unwanted turmoil disappear. Rather, from my own battle with depression, I have come to understand the power of God as a sustaining power, present in all circumstances. “My power is made perfect in your weakness,” God says. (2 Cor. 12:9)
Friend. Depression is real, and you are not alone. I have been there, and I make a concerted effort everyday to not go back there. I can’t force Jesus or faith on anyone, and that is not the purpose of this piece. I can only tell you what happened in my life. If you’re interested in knowing more, I would love to talk to you about it sometime.