30th June 2016

Waiting for a render at the moment and just pondering over the fact that I don’t miss having to get the train to and from Manchester every single day. I travel in a fair bit but not EVERY day.

On several occasions when making this journey regularly, I’ve had the misfortune to sit within earshot of a group of academics who insist on participating in the HOW CLEVER ARE YOUR KIDS? competition. This involves taking turns in tootling in a loud middle class voice about the achievements of ones progeny. Now in my book, daring to cough on an early morning train is a sin, let alone this shameless vicarious one-upmanship. 
Droning on about how Rupert is seconded to a university in Germany and what Caroline’s getting up to in her gap year. Gap year! We don’t have gap years where I came from! The nearest I ever came to having a ‘gap yaar’ was when I was on the dole in 1984 and living in a flat above an opticians in New Moston!

I’ve often felt like saying ‘what have you done recently?’ Had a fight? Drank a yard of ale? Farted in a lift in Kendal’s at the January sale, the proceeded to tut loudly and point at the Vietnamese woman stood in front of you? Been on the Big One in Blackers after consuming the volumetric equivalent of 2 large scatter cushions in candy floss? No… done NOWT aintcha!

One day i’m gonna come across these herberts when I’ve spent the afternoon in ‘Spoons and tell them in a loud voice that Sinead Devlin, my eldest daughter invented the Hadron Collider and gave Tim Berners Lee the idea for the Internet, Josh Devlin, my son completed a Rubik’s cube when he was 4 and is on the cusp of discovering a blanket cure for Cancer and that Kay Amelia Richardson my youngest child is mediating in talks with the UK and Europe over Brexit, from the international space station. That’ll shut ’em up! Bunch of fucking Tomlinsons*.

I probably wont actually i’ll just move seats

*Rudyard Kipling

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