Inside the writing process of Amber Rae, author of Choose Wonder Over Worry
Each month, I ask an author with a new book about her or his writing secrets. This month, I’m featuring Amber Rae, one of my favorite humans. Here’s her writing desk. (It’s enough to make anyone jealous, isn’t it?!)
What’s your process for a big writing project like CHOOSE WONDER OVER WORRY?
AR: I remember reading Ryan Holiday’s advice not to write a word of a book until the structure is formed. Well, after I got my book deal, and agreed to write the book in three months (crazy — I know), the structure wasn’t working for me. So, I put the proposal in a drawer and never looked at it again.
I had to stop looking for other people’s advice on how to write a book (because that wasn’t working for me), so I could uncover what would. Here’s are three elements that stand out:
- Start with stories, followed by insights: As a storyteller, I think in story. So I’d begin the day mindmapping the stories that I felt a pull toward, and the associated lesson. I’d prioritize writing the ones that I either felt afraid to write, or really excited about diving into. It was after about 45 days of getting down the stories that the structure began to emerge. I realized that each story was about meeting an inner emotion (sort of like the characters in “Inside Out”), so that’s how I formatted the book. You meet Fear, Imposter Syndrome, Shame, Anxiety, etc. — and learn how to look at them with a lens of Wonder. What’s so cool about this is I don’t think I could have thought it up in advance. It emerged through giving myself the space to create and write and flow. It’s like what Julia Cameron says in The Artist’s Way, “Eavesdrop, don’t invent.”
- Morning meeting with the inner perfectionist: The voice of “this isn’t good enough, everyone is going to hate it, are you sure you want to say that?” can get pretty loud for me if I’m not proactively taming it. I’d have a morning meeting with my inner perfectionist for five minutes in the beginning of the day to walk through what she could expect: “I’m going to get messy, write a bunch of shitty drafts, and when I’m ready, I’ll invite you back in for edits. But until then, there is no such thing as “good” or “bad.” Cool?” So long as I acknowledged her and gave her direction, she stayed pretty quiet. I’d do this in my morning journaling.
- Set a daily goal: 55,000 words in 3 months is about 611 words per day. I knew if I could meet that goal, even on the worst writing day, I’d make the right kind of progress. This was more for my own mental sanity and sense of calm than anything else. On some days I wrote 5,000 words with exuberant glee, and on others, I struggled like hell to get to 611 words. But I wrote 611 words per day — no matter what.
What’s the story behind the idea for the book?
AR: The inspiration really came from the inner critic inside my own head. I realized that I was listening to and trusting the voice that said, “You can’t do this, you will fail, you’re not good enough” far too frequently. One day, I decided to talk to that voice, which went a little something like this…
Me: HEY ASSHOLE UP THERE!!! What the hell is wrong with you?
Inner Asshole: You’re what the hell is wrong with me.
Me: Oh, thanks. Doing the best I can! What is up with you?
Inner Asshole: What is up with me is that I’m trying to get your attention, and you’re not listening.
Me (slightly curious now): What do you mean you’re trying to get my attention? What am I not listening to?
Inner Asshole Voice Trying to Get My Attention: You have all of these aspiration, and I see you constantly selling yourself short and getting in your own way. Sorry for the drama, but I didn’t know how else to get your attention. This is important, and I want you to pay attention.
Me (bewildered): Interesting strategy, Drama. So what do you suggest we do next?
Suddenly, by wondering about my inner asshole, she became an ally on my path. Not the kindest ally. But definitely an ally who knows what I want, and will up the drama to get my attention.
Through this, I discovered that we have all kinds of characters inside of us. Some are the result of conditioning that no longer serves us, and conditioning that we get to question and revise. While others care about the end goal as much as we do, and will yell and scream and wake us up in the middle of the night until they get our attention.
And that’s really the core of my work: to wonder about our emotions — particularly the tricky ones — and learn to have a relationship with them. Because they usually have something important to say, and they don’t like being ignored.
What rituals, if any, do you have as a writer?
AR: Daily journaling to clear my head and tap into ideas and themes.
Writing groups for accountability and timed sprints.
If I’m in a big creative sprint with a clear deadline, I don’t drink or eat foods that will make me feel fuzzy.
For my book, with such a quick turnaround, I decided to go to Bali for 2.5 months and totally disconnect. I was up at 6am to see the sunrise almost every day, and finished with my words for the day by 11am. Then, I’d spend the afternoon playing, exploring, ideating, drawing… all to fill the well for another evening writing sprint.
What’s your writing toolkit?
AR: Everything starts with pen and paper for me. Something clicks for me there that I cannot access when I’m in front of a screen. I can take my time to think, feel, dive into story, and see where the pens takes me. It feels much more like a co-creation with the pen, and supports me in uncovering where I want to go next.
Where do you go for inspiration?
AR: Guided visualizations were huge for me while writing the book. Yoga Nidra, in particular, helped me tap into these wild visual journeys were I’d explore a world of symbols and clues. Tech-free walks were helpful too, as well as exploring my own fears and anxieties. I find A LOT of raw material in my own messy emotions, and the process of getting curious about them, so I found a lot inspiration there. And traveling somewhere new, even if it’s in my own city. It always helps me see things with a new perspective.
What’s your favorite thing you’ve ever written in your life?
AR: My book. I love it. It’s definitely my favorite thing so far.
What’s the first book you remember loving?
AR: Oh The Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Suess
What’s your best piece of advice for writers?
AR: I have three.
- Every time you notice yourself beginning to say “they” or “we” or “she” or “he,” replace it with “I.” Claim the story, claim the feelings, claim the insights. When you let you work be personal, you bring the reader into your world. It allows the reader to relate and see themselves in your story, and it reveals yourself to you.
- Give yourself permission to write just for you. Years ago, when all of my work was focused on “helping other people,” my friend Elle Luna encouraged me to create the thing that would heal my own ache (borrowed from Picasso). I started wondering: what is the ache that I want to write into? What is the story I need to write for me? It’s a powerful exercise, and I find a lot of material in that place. I also remember what I learned from Cheryl Strayed in a workshop: “there’s the book you write and there’s the book you publish.” Giving myself permission to write the thing I really want to write, and need to write, was extremely liberating.
- Understand the difference between your inner artist, editor, and agent, and when to invite each role in the creative process. This was LIFE CHANGING for me. I go into more detail on that here.
What do you want written on your tombstone?
AR: A rae of light who lived her life with awe and wonder
